


Every Step

by zipplekink



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Kid Fic, Liam POV, M/M, PTSD, Smut, Therapy, theres a death but its just a mention of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-11
Updated: 2015-03-23
Packaged: 2018-03-17 10:20:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 40,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3525578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zipplekink/pseuds/zipplekink
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Every step Liam takes, it's for her, Lily. And every path he's journeyed has somehow led him to Zayn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: PTSD is a trauma disorder in which there may be mentions of depressive thoughts, mentions of anxiety, insomnia, things like that.

Liam sits quietly, watching his hands as they rub against each other in his lap. Her words are going through one ear and out the other, no matter what he does to try to focus. It’s taking everything in him to not just get up and walk out. _Lily_ , he reminds himself, letting the name replay over and over in his head until his breathing is back to normal.

He pulls away from his thoughts, focusing on the woman in front of him. She’s wearing a pressed dress suit, all black except for the white button up underneath. Her reddish brown hair is in a knot at the top of her hair, though she normally wears it loose around her shoulders. There’s a patient look on her face as she waits for him to respond.

“I’m sorry,” he starts, clearing his throat. He needs to work harder on these sessions. “What was that?”

Tricia gives him a soft smile. “You said you dream about her, Liam. I’d like you to tell me about those dreams, please.”

 

_There’s the sound of shattering metal, loud and deafening, making his ears ring, heart pounding against his chest as he tries to pull himself together. Smoke fills his vision, clouding around the red and white vehicles. He’s running, though he doesn’t remember making the conscious decision to move from where he was standing by the door._

_It’s the sound of her crying – it’s different than what he’s grown accustomed to. Shrieking and shrill, burning itself through every nerve in Liam’s body._

_“Lily!” he cries, reaching for the door handle. It’s locked, not budging no matter how hard he tries. He can see the small face looking at him through the window, tears streaming down her plump cheeks from panicked eyes. Her fingers reach out, and he can hear “Papa!”_

_The window in the passenger seat is shattered, and Liam tries not focus on Danielle’s quiet body in the front as he reaches the unlock button. He needs Lily out of the car – he needs to get her out first._

_“Danielle,” he screams, begs for help. She is the strong one, always knowing what to do when Liam doesn’t. She lays still, hunched over the front of the steering wheel as her golden curls cascade around her head, hiding the scarlet that’s streaming down her face._

_Fingers fumble from shaking, not listening to him as he tries to undo the fucking straps of Lily’s car seat. The smoke is thick, making him choke, and it’s already hard enough to breathe._

_Lily’s cries won’t stop as she grabs at his face, his clothes, trying to pull herself out of the car seat. There’s screaming around him or maybe at him, sirens blasting through the air and hands grabbing for him._

_He shoves them off, elbows pressing into chests, before he can yank Lily from the seat in a way he’ll apologize for later, when the bruises from the straps appear around her forearms._

_“Sir, Sir!” A man with raven hair screams behind him, pulling Liam away from the car. There are people all around, a blur of black suits, flashing reds and yellows. There’s something wet spraying against him as he moves away, heart thrumming over the sounds of shouts around him. He holds Lily close to his chest as someone is pulling them away, their soft voice contrasting with the chaos around him._

_“Mama,” Lily chokes, shoving her face against his throat. She’s trembling, nails digging into his skin from her grip. He’s trying to soothe her, but his trembling fingers snatch on the knots on her hair and he can barely hold her anymore. He tightens his grip because even though everything around him feels like it’s falling, he’s not going to let her._

_It’s more of a blur after that, as medics try to pry Lily from his arms, assuring him they’re only going to check on her. He lets go when he sees the red he hadn’t noticed before, staining her forehead._

_‘I’m sorry, sir but the woman in the car –“_

_The pristine of white doesn’t bring him to as the words burn through his brain. He sits numbly in the hospital, refusing to leave Lily’s side as they dote over her on the hospital bed. She’s stopped crying, a tight grip on Liam’s wrist because he can’t stop. Like her mother she is, always the strong one._

_When the doctors leave them, after a promise that she is fine – just a piece of glass that had scratched against her skin - and another ‘I’m sorry for your loss’, Liam crawls into the bed with his daughter._

_“Where’s Mum?” Lily whispers, drowsiness dragging out her words._

_Liam cries quietly this time, wanting her to sleep – to find a peace that he’s not sure they can have again._

 

“They’re mostly…” Liam tries, clearing his throat for what seems like the hundredth time. His tongue feels heavy and covered in cotton and it’s like something is wrapping around his neck. “The accident over again. Except, Lily. She just doesn’t… I can’t-“

“Get her out?” Tricia offers. Liam nods. That’s exactly it. The door is always locked, or he can’t see. Something always goes wrong, and the last thing he sees is Lily’s wet, wide eyes in the window before his body jolts him awake.

“What do they mean?” Liam asks, training his eyes back on the scarf. Lily’s been insistent on him taking one of her mother’s scarves every time he leaves the house since they’ve moved back. Liam had barely left her side while they were staying at his mother’s and he still hates it most of the time, but the scarf makes him feel better.

“Well Liam, people who suffer from PTSD sometimes experience intrusive memories from the thing they’re trying the most to forget about. When we first met, you told me about your fears about leaving your daughter’s side. How they’ve become worse after the accident?” Tricia pauses, waiting for Liam to confirm her words. “Your dreams seem to be portraying this same worry, but in the context of your memory of your girlfriend’s car crash.”

Liam drifts off, his mind wandering back to Lily. He does this frequently during their sessions, and he feels bad afterwards, but Tricia always waits patiently for him to return.

He thinks about the first few weeks after the accident, and the way Lily used to wake up screaming, grabbing out for him. They stopped though, and then it was Liam’s turn to wake in the middle of the night, reaching out for _her_. She always looked so peaceful when she was sleeping, and along with the soft sounds of her breathing, it was the only thing that could relax Liam enough to fall back asleep.

The session ends with Tricia telling him he did well that day, though Liam’s never sure if she’s just saying that to make him feel better. It feels like they’ve made no progress, but Tricia seems to think so. He leaves with another prescription referral and he may not just stash this one in the glove compartment of his car this time.

He gets to the bakery before his shift is supposed to start, but Lily is already there, sitting on the counter with a coloring book balancing on her knee. Her eyes light up at the sound of the bell above the door dings.

“Papa!” She calls, wiggling her butt against the counter so someone can help her down. Liam scoops her in his arms, swinging her around. “How’s you doing?”

Liam snickers, placing a kiss on her cheek before propping her back on the counter. He takes the scarf in his back pocket, circling it around her neck. “How was your day?”

“Uncle Louis took me shopping for school. I got me Batman tights, Papa. I couldn’t find any big enough for you. I’m sorry, you can try mine if you promise not to stretch them.”

Harry, standing a few feet away behind the counter, throws his head back in laughter. Liam flicks him off behind Lily’s head before he grabs his apron and joins him behind the counter.

They had stayed with Liam’s parents for about six months after the accident, before Liam moved back to their town. Well, was forced back really, because Louis was going to take no for an answer. Liam is used to working small end jobs like he is now, and he still feels guilty every time Louis buys Lily something he can’t afford to.

But she loves them, refusing to take the damn Batman tights off even though they’ve already gotten a hole in the knee and are dirty. He’s going to have to sneak them away from her sooner or later.

 

Liam sits in the car, fingers tapping against the steering wheel as he stares at the building. He’s avoided hospitals as much as he could over the past few months, only coming for any appointments for Lily.

He moves his eyes to watch Lily through the rearview, her head moving back and forth to the music she’s listening through the bulky Spiderman headphones placed on her head. There’s a pleasant smile on his face, and Liam takes a deep breath before opening the car door.

Lily keeps her fingers wrapped around his wrist as she eyes the white walls of the hospital. He had been nervous about bringing her, but she appears at ease as she bobs her head along to the music.

There’s no one at the receptionist desk when Liam walks up to it. Tricia had told him the appointment shouldn’t take longer than twenty minutes, and Liam had planned on that. He feels like he’s suffocating already, and it’s taking all of his effort to keep his breathing calm.

“Hey! I’m sorry,” says a voice from his side. “Our receptionist isn’t here today and I keep forgetting it’s _me_ covering.”

The man slides behind the desk, giving Liam a sheepish smile. There’s something familiar about him, but Liam can’t put a finger on it. He’s young enough that it could be through Louis or Harry.

“Um,” Liam starts. “I have, uh, an appointment with Dr. Grant?”

The other man is wearing dark blue scrubs, and Liam’s eyes slide over the name tag on his chest that reads, _Zayn_. He’s wearing a long sleeve undershirt, but there’s the start of ink on his wrists and the back of one of his hand. Liam wonders how many more are hidden underneath, but he shakes his head, not letting his mind wander.

“Dr. Grant is down this hallway and to your left. You should see a sign that says Psychiatric Services,” Zayn says. His accent is thick, words curling off his tongue. He leans over the counter, a lollipop between his fingers as he hands it down to Lily. “And for the Lady. I like your headphones.”

Lily gleams, smiling breaking against her cheeks. “Thank you very much.”

“Um, thank you,” Liam repeats, nodding his head as he tugs on Lily’s arm. Zayn gives him a soft smile, and Liam can’t seem to get it out of his head as he walks down the hallway.

Dr. Grant barely asks him any questions once Liam gives him the referral from Tricia. When he’s got his prescription, Liam’s nearly running out of there with Lily in his arms. The pristine walls seem to be closing in around him and he can’t get outside fast enough.

Lily presses a kiss to his cheek when he breathes in the fresh air deeply. It’s like she knows whenever he’s upset. He wants to make it less obvious, protect her from it. He _has_ to get better at learning how to do that.

 

“Liam, can you please explain what you’ve just said to me?” Tricia asks patiently, folding her hands in her lap.

“Explain why I’m not a good father?” Liam clarifies. He is in a grumpy mood and would rather be with Lily than here. Lily’s off to her first day of school tomorrow and his new medicine makes him feel groggier than before. So he’s grumpy.

Tricia nods. “Why do you feel that way?”

“Well it’s true, innit?” Liam grits out. “I’m an emotional wreck ninety percent of the time. I can hardly afford to provide her. I know she needs to hear about her mother so she won’t forget, but I choke every time I try. I’ve never been the strong one. That was always Danielle. Lily deserves a strong parent who can protect her. That’s not me.

“And it’s not just since the accident. I left, when she was almost two years old. I just decided I couldn’t do it anymore and I left. No one deserves that, especially not Lily.” Liam huffs out a long breath, trying to ignore the way his chest feels heavy. It feels good to get it out, but tears are pricking at the back of his eyes and the truth of his words _hurts_.

He squeezes the scarf in his hand tightly. It’s an all red sheer one today, and Liam remembers when Danielle had bought it. They had been visiting her parents, and she liked the way it looked with some sweater she had. It no longer smelled like her, though she used to wear it all of the time. It smells now like Lily’s shampoo and a mix of Liam’s cologne.

“When you left, you came back?” Tricia asks, not glancing down at the notepad that she is scribbling on. It used to bother Liam when she would write. He also used to think she pitied him, but he soon realized that her kind features were genuine and not pitying. She reminded him of his mum, actually.

“Yes,” Liam answers. _Obviously,_ he wants to say, but it’s not her fault that Liam’s in a bad mood. It’s not her fault that he’s shit.

“Why did you change your mind?”

Liam doesn’t hesitate in responding. “Because Lily needs me.”

“When you first came here Liam, you told me you needed my help because Lily needs you to get better. Am I remembering that correctly?”

Liam bites down on his lip, nodding. His sister Ruth had found Tricia Brannan for him and once they had convinced him it would be beneficial to go, there had been no hesitation in his choice. If it was best for Lily, he was going to do it.

“Raising a child and dealing with a traumatic event you much rather forget about are both extremely difficult things to do Liam, and you’re doing both of them because you think Lily needs you to. I don’t think she could be luckier.”

A warm smile takes over Tricia’s lips and he looks away. He feels like he knows she is right, but there’s something inside of him telling him he _can’t_.

“No parent is going to know what the right thing to do is all of the time. But everything you’ve done is based on what’s best for your daughter, and as a parent myself, I think that’s what’s most important.”

Liam can only nod. He wants it to be true, no one can understand how badly he wants that to be true. “Yes, well,” he says in frustration, squeezing onto the scarf. “I just wish I could hurry up and get better at it.”

“Don’t be impatient with yourself, Liam. The little steps you’ve succeeded in making might seem insignificant, but remember every little step leads to a longer distance walked.”

 

“Daddy, I am not wearing that,” Lily declares sternly. Her nose is scrunched up as she looks at the purple outfit that his mum had bought for her for her first day of school. “Can’t I wear that outfit that Uncle Louis had boughten for me?”

“Bought,” Liam corrects kindly. He runs his hair through the hair at the top of her head, knotted from sleep. “And you can wear whatever you’d like, but we are taking pictures of you in the purple for Gram later, deal?”

Lily gleams, nodding her head eagerly. “Okay, deal.” She scurries off, feet padding hard against the floor. She swings open the closet, disappearing inside before she returns with a shirt that she’s had for years. It’s a black cotton one, with a pink ballerina on the front. It’s so worn that pieces of the ballerina have been chipped off from being washed.

He helps her put it on. It’s a bit small, but it covers her enough that Liam’s okay with sending her to school in it. She’s got stripped leggings underneath her shorts, and on her feet are her black and yellow Batman converse-like shoes.

They woke up early enough that Liam has time to make her favorite blueberry pancakes and a few extra for Louis, though he’ll still be asleep for a few more hours. He takes his time pulling her unruly curls into a ponytail at the top of her head and helps her put together her backpack. He can feel himself hesitating to leave, until Lily is throwing the backpack over her shoulder with a look of determination on her face.

“Let’s go, Papa.”

The school isn’t too far from their flat, close enough to the bakery that Liam could probably be able to leave work to pick her up if he needed to. It feels like _his_ first day of school, squeezing onto Lily’s hand like she’s the parent bringing him to class and he’s afraid of letting her go.

She tugs him along, dragging him towards the classroom. They had practiced the number since her letter came in the mail. (Lily was absolutely ecstatic because it was addressed to her).

“Hello! You must be Miss Lily?”

Liam’s met with her before. Mrs. Watson, on numerous occasions because he just needed assurance. He’s not leaving his daughter with a _stranger._

“Lily Karen Louise Payne,” Lily says proudly, letting go of Liam’s hand to hold it out for Mrs. Watson, who kneels in front of her.

Mrs. Watson raises her eyebrows. “Well, isn’t that a mouthful. Your Papa told me you’re quite excited to start school.”

“Yes, m’am. I’m ready to learn.”

Liam snorts, cupping the side of her head to hold her to his side. He doesn’t want to go.

Mrs. Watson looks up at him before she leans towards Lily, saying something to her that Liam can’t here. She giggles and nods, before turning to him with her arms up so he will lift her up.

“I love you Papa,” Lily says, pressing a wet kiss to his cheek. “Can you pick me up today instead of Uncle Lou?”

Liam nods. “Sure thing, love bug. I love you too.”

She pats the palm of her hands against his cheeks. “Don’t be sad, okay? I won’t be sad, you don’t be sad.”

“Okay, I promise.”

Liam sits in the car, engine off, fingers tapping at the steering wheel as he stares at the red brick building. Who knows how long he’s been out here, because he refuses to look at the clock but he knows he’s running late. There’s just something nagging at him to stay every time he tries to drive off. It used to be like this anytime Lily would leave his side after the accident. Never letting himself forget that he was the one who strapped Lily in her car seat, kissed her forehead and watched them  pull out of the driveway -

His phone keeps ringing and by the fourth time Harry’s called, Liam decides to answer. “I’m sorry,” he whispers instead of greeting him proper.

“At the school still?” Harry says, nothing harsh in his voice.

“Yeah.”

Harry sighs. “Take your time, mate. I’ll cover your shift.”

“Thanks,” Liam says, resting his forehead against the steering wheel. Harry stays on the phone with him while he cries, more frustrated tears leaking down his face than anything else. He’s pathetic. Danielle would have been able to drop her off and go to work without batting an eye –

He takes the cotton from his back pocket, wiping away the tears on his cheeks as he hangs up with Harry. It’s a bulky one today, barely fitting in his pocket but Lily’s solution to that had been to wear it –

He snorts with laughter when he presses the fabric to his face, letting the smell of her shampoo relax him a bit. He doesn’t end up leaving though, and the parking lot around him starts to fill with parents there to pick up their kids.

Liam sits in the car, watching the other parents go inside. None of them look like how he feels.

But that feeling, the tightness in his chest and the pain in his stomach, seems to disappear the moment he spots her bouncing curls. They’ve escaped the ponytail and fly like crazy around her head.

“Papa!” She gallops over towards him, throwing her arms around his waist.

“How was your day?” He takes her backpack and throws it over his shoulder as he waves to Mrs. Watson. “Miss me?”

She nods seriously. “Sure did. I had a great day, probably should get a banana muffin from your job.”

Liam snorts. “Uncle Haz is working today, you know he’ll have some.”

 

The second day is a better. It only takes him about an hour to leave the parking lot, and the third he just has to catch his breath before he drives off.

By Friday, he’s ecstatic, running home in record time after his meeting with Tricia. They have the whole weekend, besides the parts where he has to work (which he didn’t have the guts to ask for off because Harry’s done so much for him this week already) but he’s excited.

Lily’s on the couch, a coloring book on her lap, cartoons playing on the telly. “Hey sunshine,” he greets, kissing her on the forehead and wiggling his fingers through her curls. She doesn’t react. “Where’s Uncle Lou?”

She shrugs, not looking up from her coloring book. “Someone called on the phone and he left the room.”

He flops down next to her to untie his shoes, frowning. “How was school?”

She shrugs again. “Okay. Mrs. Watson wanted us to learn maths.”

“I’m going to have to talk to that woman,” Liam jokes, voice mock stern. It earns him a giggle, which makes him feel a little better. She’s not as excited like she normally is after school though and he’s worried.

He watches her as she continues to color. Her cheeks are flushed, tongue pressed between her teeth in concentration. “D’you wanna tell Papa what’s bothering you?”

She shakes her head but doesn’t look up. He hesitates, running over things to say. It’s worse, this way. When Danielle had died it was screaming – all night, most of the day. Loud tears and stomping of the feet, things Liam didn’t think he could handle for much longer. But then the silence came, and that was worse.

“I would really like to know so I can fix it.”

Lily looks up, worrying at her bottom lip. “Just missed you, today.”

Liam gives her a smile, pulling her into his side. “Missed you too, buttercup,” he says softly, though he doesn’t believe that’s what’s bothering her.

Louis joins them again, a grim look on his face. “Grandparents,” he mouths, pointing a finger at Lily when she’s not looking.

Liam keeps in his groan. They call sometimes – Danielle’s parents. But there’s too much time in between each one, and they haven’t seen Lily since before the accident. They refused, really, after Liam had begged them to come see her after the funeral.

_“We just can’t yet, sweetie. Please do understand –“_

_“I’m trying to understand but unfortunately it’s hard for me to since I don’t have the luxury of walking away from the situation.”_

Liam presses his lips in Lily’s hair. “Stay here and color. Papa’s going to go talk to Uncle Lou.”

She only hums in response.

“Did she talk to them?” Liam whispers as soon as he steps into the kitchen. “Is that why she’s upset? Louis, I told you –“

Louis shakes his head. “I answered, and I told them they had to call back at a time you were here.”

Liam nods, relaxing a bit. He wants her to talk to them, but he wants to supervise – or just be there in case it upsets her.

“She’s upset,” Louis goes on, poking him hard in the chest. “Because she was invited to a friend’s house but won’t tell you because she thinks you’ll say no. Which, mate, is probably not a wrong assumption on her part.”

“She has no reason to think that,” Liam denies firmly.

“She may be young, but she’s not oblivious, Li. You always look constipated before you guys part and look like a kid on Christmas when you’re back together. She notices. She said, and I quote, ‘Papa will be really upset if I leave him.’”

“She’s really smart,” Liam responds, defeated as he leans against the counter. He would say no, is the thing. Just the idea of it makes him nauseous.

Louis wraps his arms around his shoulders, tugging him back. “I will take her, tomorrow while you’re at work. I’ll call his parents – she’s got a phone number, and stay with her the whole time.”

“His,” Liam repeats, eyes narrowing.

Louis snorts, pulling away from him. “They’re five, Liam. Calm down. If he makes a move –“ He holds up a shaking fist.

Liam shoves him. “Not funny, Lou.”

“It is a bit, mate,” he says before he calls for his daughter.

Liam hates that she walks into the door with her head hung, eyes on her fingers as she tugs at them. He lifts her up, letting her sit on the counter.

“Can you tell me what’s wrong?”

She glares at him, bottom lip shaking. “I am not friends with Uncle Lou anymore.” She rubs at her reddened cheeks. “I told him not to tell you but I know he did and now you’re going to be sad so I’m not friends with him.”

“Awe, c’mon love. Trust your Uncle Lou. We’re best mates, remember?” Louis gives her a playful smile but she continues to frown at him, crossing her arms across her chest.

“Sab’s my best mate,” Lily snaps. “Not you anymore.”

“Whose Sab?” Liam intervenes, glaring at Louis to stop. These two can keep it going for hours.

“He’s in my class. His name is Sabeer, but he told me to call him Sab. I told him to call me Lily. It’s shorter than Lily Karen Louise Payne.”

“Right,” Liam smiles. “And he wants you to play at his house?”

Lily’s eyes widen as she nods. “Yes, but it’s okay. I told him I’m spending the weekend with my Daddy.”

Liam’s smile widens. “And we can do both. Uncle Louis is going to take you over to play while Papa’s at work.”

She grabs his shirt, mouth falling open. “Yeah? He gave me his Baba’s phone number so you can ask him.”

“Baba?” Liam tries.

Lily nods. “Yep.” And that’s all the explanation he gets.

  
“We’re going out tonight, no buts,” Louis says, walking into the bakery with Lily in tow. She’s got paint splattered across her arms, a bit on her cheek and she’s smiling, the corners of her lips pressing high into her cheeks.

“No buts,” Lily giggles, slapping her hands on the counter.

“Exactly! Lily had her time out and about, now it’s whose turn? Papa’s!” Both of them cheer. Sometimes Liam’s not sure which one of them is the adult and which one is his five year old child.

Liam glares at him before passing Lily a cookie. He had kind of been counting down the moments until Lily and Louis were to come back from her friend’s, but he’ll never admit it. “Did you have fun?”

She nods eagerly. “We painted.”

“To celebrate, Payno,” Louis goes on, not getting the hint that Liam’s ignoring him. “You survived your daughter’s first play date. I survived spending two hours ball’s deep in hand paint –“

Liam hits him with a rag that he had been wiping the counter down with.

“Excuse me, _knees_ deep in hand paint with Sab’s fit uncle or step dad – he didn’t quite clarify who he was other than his name’s _Niall_ ,” Louis goes on, wiggling his eyebrows. He cups Lily’s ears, leaning over the counter. “Balls or knees, I’d like to get to know the guy if you know what I mean.”

“Is that why you want me to go out tonight? Third wheel?”

“No, just you and me. And Harry, of course.”

“Right. I’m sure Lily would love having the whole house to herself,” Liam chides.

“Daisy and Pheebs, Papa. We’re going to have a sleep over,” Lily tells him simply, dragging herself over towards one of the few tables they have in the bakery. She pulls on her headphones, chomping on her cookie as she swings her feet.

“It’s been what? Like a year since you’ve gone out and got drunk, Leem –“

“Yeah, since my girlfriend died?” he grits out.

The air falls tense and quiet as Louis’ lips slap shut and he glances at Lily who didn’t hear him. _Thankfully._

“Yes, since then,” Louis says suddenly, hands on his hips. “I haven’t pressured you to talk about and I won’t, but come out with me and let’s drink until we forget about it. I haven’t seen Lily that happy in a while and would like to see the same for you.”

“I just – it’s been a lot this week, yeah Lou?”

Louis nods. “I get it. That’s why you need a drink.”

“Do I do the puppy eyes now, Uncle Lou?” Lily calls from the table, plopping a big chunk of cookie in her mouth, dragging her headphones down.

Louis groans into the palm of his hands. “Nice going, kiddo, you’ve ruined it now. That was our secret weapon and now he’s on to us.”

Lily does those puppy eyes, directed towards Louis as she offers him the rest of his cookie. “Sorry.”

 

It’s been a long time since Liam’s actually been out to a club, since Lily was still in diapers and Danielle’s parents had taken her for the weekend. He wouldn’t say it was something he missed, but he doesn’t mind the music that’s a little bit louder than his thoughts, and the people – which thankfully, he doesn’t know too many of them. It saves him from the awkward conversations where people treat him like glass or bring up the accident.

But he still feels out of place, bobbing his head to the music awkwardly as Harry and Louis throw back shots. It was never really his thing when he had gone out. Danielle was the partier, she loved dancing and _people_. Liam’s just happy they’re at a booth so he doesn’t have to talk to anyone if he doesn’t want to.

“Loosen up, mate. Fuck with someone in the bathroom. Get drunk and dance like an idiot, I don’t know just stop looking like you’re about to run away,” Louis goes on as Liam frowns at him. Harry nods along, arm thrown over Louis’ shoulder.

“Little old for that, don’t you think Lou?”

Louis wrinkles his nose but Harry huffs out a laugh.

“Then bring someone home to fuck, is that more sophisticated for you, Liam?” Louis shrugs as if that’s what Liam meant. He pushes a shot towards Liam when he doesn’t respond. “We’re not that old, mate. I’m four years out of Uni.”

“Still in,” Harry adds. Liam’s too tired to remind him that it technically doesn’t count, since he probably something like a sixth year senior -

“How many people d’you reckon are parents here?” Liam snaps, throwing back the shot. He grimaces. He forgot how much alcohol burned going down.

“Dunno, ten probably,” Louis says without care. “That bird from Harry’s apartment over there –“

“And that guy in my Micro class. Newborn he has, I think,” Harry goes on.

“Anna, she’s got one. Maybe, two?”

“And Malik –

“Who?”

Liam tunes them out. It had been rhetorical, to make a point. He didn’t care who had children, he cared that he was leaving his child behind at an attempt to have a good time when he knew it was her who made everything better. His best moments are curled next to her, listening to her try to read from one of her books, watching her run around the park, giggling and looking like a tiny, bouncing ball of life.

Harry goes to get a pitcher, and Liam decides to take Louis’ advice and get wasted, drown out the fact that he wants to run out of here and go to Lou’s mum’s house.

And he could easily, without being noticed, when Harry pulls Louis out on the dance floor because they hardly notice anything besides themselves when they’re sober, let alone drinking and plastered against each other.

Liam’s just grumpy. He loves them, he really does. If it weren’t for them and his daughter, he – he doesn’t want to know where he’d be at now. All the progress Tricia always reminds him he’s made, he wouldn’t have been able to if they weren’t helping him through it.

“Ye gonna drink that whole pitcher by yourself?”

Liam jumps, cold beer slopping over the brim and slipping down his fingers. The man is grinning at Liam from where he stands beside the booth, hands in his pocket and a lopsided grin pressed against the lips that he runs a tongue over. He’s familiar, but Liam can’t quite pin point from where.

“I am, yes probably,” Liam responds thickly, shrugging his shoulders before he takes another sip. He does it to hide the blush in his cheeks but also because this guy is fucking attractive and it makes something twist deep in his stomach and thirsty is kind of an accurate word, right now.

“Can I join? Name’s Zayn.”

Liam nods. “Liam,” he says, watching the man slip in the seat across from him. The blue of the club lights practically glows off of the rich golden color of his skin and when he drags slender fingers through the tuft of black hair at the top of his head, Liam spots ink on the back of his hand and he remembers –

“You work at the hospital?”

Zayn nods, his tongue pushing out to rub at his lower lip. “You remember?”

“Apparently.”

 _Apparently?_ Liam groans at himself. “I’m Liam,” he says, hoping to divert the conversation into something that makes him feel like less of a fool because he doesn’t enjoy the amused smile Zayn is giving him.

“Liam,” Zayn tries, his accent curling around his name, pronouncing each syllable like he’s fucking tasting it . “D’you normally come to night clubs to drink and watch people by yourself?”

Liam flushes. “I was with people,” he says defensively. “They just left me.”

Zayn frowns, pouring some of the pitcher into one of the cups Harry had on the table. “That’s a bit rude, innit?”

It’s Liam that frowns this time. “No. They’re just not used to me coming out with them. They convinced me to come out. Said I need to loosen up or whatever.” _Shut up, Liam._

“So, they convinced you to come out and then they left you?”

Liam doesn’t like the judgmental tone this guy has. Maybe he should tell him to fuck off, but he only shrugs in response.

“Well, I can help with the loosenin’ up process, if you want.”

Liam gasps, ears flaming red and the guy just smirks more. It kind of makes Liam want to kick and kiss him at the same time. And Liam’s probably more shocked at that than Zayn’s words.

“Okay, um. Thank you.”

“Anytime,” Zayn says and it sounds like a promise.

Liam gulps down his drink, watching Zayn as he does the same. He really is beautiful, though not really Liam’s type. Edgy – he thinks might be the proper word for him. His hair is pulled into a knot at the top of his head, a little messy from him running his fingers through it, and there’s a hint of stubble lining his cheeks. The black button up he’s wearing does little to hide the tattoo’s covering both of his arms, and peeking out from underneath the collar.

“The girl at the hospital? She was your daughter?”

Liam nods. “Yes, but I’d like not to talk about her, please.”

He’s trying not to at the moment, because he was half a second away from running back to her when Zayn had come up to him.

“Fair enough.”

Liam feels his head starting to swarm, the alcohol running through him making him feel heavier and heavier as Zayn and him talk about virtually nothing. It’s nice though, somehow. A good distraction, but maybe entranced would be a better word to describe how Liam feels – like even if he wanted to get away from Zayn (he doesn’t), he wouldn’t be able to.

“Would you like another pitcher?” A waitress asks, what feels like hours later. He hadn’t even realized the pitcher was empty.

“Actually, could we get two waters, please?” Zayn answers before Liam can say anything.

The waitress bites around her bottom lip as she nods, cheeks flushing when Zayn smiles at her. Same, Liam thinks.

“Hope you don’t mind,” Zayn apologizes. It takes Liam a long moment to realize he doesn’t mean the waitress flirting with him.

“No.” Liam reaches out, tickling the hand that’s placed on the table. He runs a finger over the tattoo behind his thumb, and he can’t quite make out what it is in the dark lighting. There’s a smudge of something else there too, like paint.

“D’you want to dance?” Liam finds himself asking before he can stop himself.

“After your water,” Zayn says, smiling. He doesn’t pull his hand away from Liam’s touch, instead turns it so Liam’s fingers can tickle against the fleshy part of his palm. There’s something comforting about the warmth of his skin. A feeling he hasn’t really felt in a while and he doesn’t want to think about it – he doesn’t know Zayn.

Liam didn’t realize how much he needed water until the cool liquid slips across his tongue, washing away the feeling of cotton there. Zayn’s eyes are on him, grazing over his throat when he swallows.

“That dance?” Liam suggests, slamming the cup down and hoping the grin on his face is less goofy than it feels.

Zayn slides their fingers together as he gets up, helping Liam out of the booth. “Eager to show me how you move?” he asks quietly, lips against Liam’s ear. He feels a hand pressing into the dip of his back, grounding him.

“I am not very good at dancing,” Liam giggles, fingers knotting in the fabric of Zayn’s shirt. He smells really good too, like cologne and that baby shampoo Lily used to use.

“Me neither,” Zayn confesses. He doesn’t let the hold on Liam go when they move to the dance floor and he’s thankful. The world is tipping around him and the only thing that isn’t is Zayn. His hands are secure on Liam’s waist when they find a space open enough for them to fit, and their chests stitch together when Zayn brings them close.

“You’re not bad,” Zayn says casually once they start moving to some song Liam’s never heard before. Their hips move against each other and Liam digs his fingers into Zayn’s shoulders so he can lean back and look at the way they press together.

“Then we’re both liars,” Liam slurs, plastering his body against Zayn’s.

“Corny babe,” Zayn says back, fingers sliding along the column of Liam’s back. Liam can feel the vibration of his laugh where their chests meet.

“Horny, babe,” Liam murmurs quietly to himself, dipping his knees around Zayn’s thighs. Zayn’s a lot stronger than he looks. Liam knows he’s heavy, all bulk compared to Zayn’s tiny frame.

“Liam,” Zayn murmurs, pulling Liam back up, teeth tugging at his bottom lip. Liam wants that to be his teeth, his tongue grazing –

He straightens himself up, the movement of his hips less purposeful and Zayn notices, loosening the firm grip he has on Liam. He’s fucking grinding on this guy he doesn’t know, his cock hard in his pants and that’s not something he does. It’s not something he _should_ be doing –

“D’you smoke?” Zayn asks, loud over the music. His lips brush over Liam’s ear and he shutters, pulling Zayn closer.

“Well, do you want to join me still? Don’t want to leave you alone,” Zayn continues after Liam shakes his head. _Please don’t_ , Liam thinks.

“Can take care of myself,” he says instead.

“I mean, I want to be around you, still,” Zayn clarifies. The smile he gives Liam is genuine, or maybe Liam just wants it to be.

“Oh,” Liam responds flatly, nodding his head. He lets Zayn lead him again, plastering himself to Zayn’s back, fingers digging into his abdomen as they make their way through the mess of people.

The cool air from outside is welcomed, but he doesn’t let go of his hold on Zayn because he’s so _warm_.

“Smoking is not good for you,” Liam mumbles against the back of his neck, trying to keep himself from rolling his tongue against the skin there.

Zayn chuckles, wiggling out of Liam’s grip. He’s a bit mesmerized by the way Zayn’s lips wrap around the end, how gentle his fingers are when they press Liam back so he hits the cold stone of the building. His hair is no longer in the top knot, now hanging on one side of his face, sticking to his forehead in places. Liam doesn’t want to think about how if he slipped his fingers under that black button up that they would slide against Zayn’s sweaty skin, but he does anyway.

“You sound like my…” Zayn trails off, eyes falling to his feet as he steps closer to Liam.

“Mum?” Liam offers, giggling when Zayn’s nose crinkles. He feels giddy – light.

“Yeah, something like that.” He takes a step forward, still allowing room between them. Liam can’t look away from Zayn, whose eyes linger on him as he inhales again, blowing the smoke to the side so it’s not in his face.

“She also told me,” Zayn starts. “That it’s not polite to kiss someone you just met.”

“Yeah?” Liam huffs out, chest feeling a bit tight. It’s been a long time since he’s done this, whatever it is.

Zayn nods. “I don’t think she’d ever imagine I’d meet someone quite as fit as you, though.”

Liam snorts, reaching out to drag fingers against Zayn’s hip because he wants him closer. Zayn doesn’t look like the polite type and Liam shouldn’t _like that_.

Later, Liam will blame the alcohol for pulling Zayn closer, letting their chests bump together before their lips to do. He’ll blame the heaviness of his cock for dragging his tongue across Zayn’s lips and pushing them open so he can taste the alcohol on his tongue.

It feels good, having a solid body press against him. Zayn crowds him against the wall, cigarette forgotten somewhere against the sidewalk as he moves his lips with Liam’s. He lets Liam guide the kiss, though he’s probably sloppy and his teeth keep catching on Zayn’s bottom lip, but he sighs contently and Liam thinks he could fall in love with it.

But it’s Zayn who pulls away first, breathing labored against Liam’s lips when he presses their foreheads together. He steps away, though not going far. His fingers stay lingering on Liam, pulling him from where he’s leaning against the building.

“I should probably get home,” he says. “But I would like to walk you home, first.”

“I –“ Liam starts, hesitantly. His lips feel bruised, though the kiss was gentle, and he runs his fingers over them.

“Just to make sure you get home safe,” Zayn assures him, though Liam hadn’t been thinking he meant that. He thought maybe he fucked up or something.

“Another thing your mom taught you?”

Zayn chuckles, a deep throaty sound that makes Liam want to kiss him again. “Yeah, something like that.”

Their fingers stay linked as they walk, their sides bumping into each other with shy grins and things that make Liam feel silly but light all at the same time. It’s a quiet walk, no noises around them except for the distant sounds of the night and the heavy sound of their footsteps, but it’s nice.

“Sleep well, yeah?” Zayn murmurs, leaning forward to press a kiss to the corner of his mouth once they get to his flat. “Dream about me?”

“Don’t count on it,” Liam snickers, turning his head so their lips rub gently against each other before Zayn turns around, a smirk on his face as he goes.

Liam sinks into his mattress, bones heavy and mind blank except for swirls of black and golds and he falls asleep easily.

 

“Papa?”

Liam groans, rolling over and hitting something solid. He blinks his eyes open to see those round, brown eyes staring down at him. He’s confronted with the smell of her toothpaste, making him nauseous a bit and he rolls further into his pillow. His head hurts like someone’s punching him repeatedly in the skull.

“Yes, Lily?” he mumbles against the pillow. Her tiny fingers tickle through his hair and rub gently at his back.

“Are you okay?”

He turns then, because her words are too filled with worry and he can’t ignore it. “Papa is just tired.”

The clock blinks 8:12 a.m., and that’s when he remembers Lily isn’t supposed to be here. Louis was going to pick her up sometime around noon.

“Mama Jo took us to breakfast. I brought you some back but I can save it for you,” she tells him.

“Thanks, Lil’. You wanna take a kip with me? Can watch your mornin’ cartoons.”

Lily nods, a smile on her face but she runs away. A few minutes later, Louis’ mum sticks her head in the door to say goodbye.

“Is Uncle Lou here?” Liam asks when Lily runs back in, jumping on the bed. He remembers texting him, but he doesn’t remember getting a response before he left with _Zayn_ –

Liam shutters, closing his eyes so he can picture the man. He doesn’t think his memory quite does him any justice.

“Yeah, with Uncle Haz.”

Liam groans, hoping she hadn’t seen anything. He doesn’t remember them being here when he had gotten back, so he’ll blame them for the fact that the door was apparently unlocked if Lily had gotten in so easily.

She settles in beside him, fingers patting on his shoulder as she watches her television show and Liam falls asleep. No dreams bother him, and when he wakes it’s to Lily’s soft breathing, drool darkening his shirt where her head lays.


	2. Chapter 2

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Of course, Liam.”

He looks down in his lap, at the black and gold fabric wrapped around his fingers. _Ironic_ , he thinks, since those are the colors swirling through his mind. Along with brown eyes, and soft pink lips, and a lot of other things that shouldn’t be keeping him up at night (but maybe it’s a good thing, because he’s up with a hand curled around his cock instead of his arms curled around his chest.)

“Do you um, do you think it’s too soon for me to date?”

“Do you?”

Liam chews on his lip. It’s annoying when she does that sometimes, making him answer his own questions. He gets why she does it, to have him explain – or whatever. If he knew the answer, he wouldn’t have asked, right?

“Well, I’m still in therapy – and like, just getting my feet on the ground. Plus, Lily doesn’t talk about her mum much and I don’t know if that will confuse things.”

She waits, to see if he has more to say, which is always bad because he could probably talk for hours sometimes. It’s been a while since he’s had a hard time getting the words out when talking to Tricia.

“And I feel guilty, because Dani, y’know? We weren’t together really before she died. We were, but like – not really. Just for Lily. Just like now, I don’t want to do anything unless it’s right for Lily.”

Tricia nods after she’s sure he’s done. She’s got kind eyes like his mum and a smile that makes him feel like she really does care.

“Don’t let you being in therapy prevent you from doing something new.  For you, Liam, it’s kind of the purpose of our sessions together. You’re showing huge improvement, and I think this in itself is a sign of it. Is there someone special you have in mind, or are you just thinking about it?”

 _Special someone made me think about it_ , he thinks. “Just thinking about it.”

“And you and Lily still are not talking about Danielle?”

“She doesn’t bring it up.”

“Do you?”

“No.”

The response is soft and Tricia is quiet long enough that Liam considers maybe he didn’t actually say it loud enough for her to hear. Bringing it up could have consequences he’s not sure if he can handle. Like what if she stopped talking to him completely?

“You told me Lily is afraid to tell you things sometimes because she thinks it will make you upset?”

Liam nods. “Yeah, you said that may be why she goes quiet sometimes?”

Tricia nods. “I think her mother may be one of those things, Liam. So how about, for this time next week, we make it a goal of bringing Danielle into the conversation twice? Any time, in anyway, just mention her. Little steps.”

“I can try that,” Liam says, nodding his head jerkily.

“We can try it in our next session with the three of us, if that makes it easier for you.”

Liam nods again.

“As for your dating life, Liam, it is not too soon for you to date if you are ready, which is up for you to decide.”

He bites his tongue to keep in a noise of frustration. “Okay, let me rephrase. Do you think it’s a bad idea for me to date? Like, bad for Lily or my getting better?”

“No,” Tricia answers easily. “You are better, Liam. You’re going to keep getting better, and who knows, dating could aid in the process – but once again, that’s up for you to decide when you find the person you’re interested in. Lily will show you if she’s not ready for it. She’s very expressive with her emotions.”

“She is,” Liam nods, accepting that. He still wants to talk about it, but their time is up and he’s starting to get frustrated thinking about it. He wants to enjoy thinking about Zayn, not let it add to the stress already weighing him down.

Liam thanks her before he leaves, rushing out towards Lily’s school, this time only a few minutes late in picking her up. (Few days ago, it had been nearly an hour because Louis was still at work and the bakery was too busy for him to leave.)

“Papa, can I go to a party?” Lily asks once they pull out of the school parking lot.

“W-what?” Liam manages, looking at her through the dashboard mirror. She’s got something red in her hands he can’t quite make out. It looks like an envelope.

“Sab’s birthday party,” she tells him. “His Baba gave him invitations today and he gave me one because he’s my best friend.”

“When is it?”

He watches Lily shrug – he had told her he can’t see when he’s driving but she still does things like that. “Well, we will talk to Uncle Lou and see if he can take you.”

“But Papa,” she whines. “Sabeer told me his dad is better than my dad so you have to come so I can show him that you’re the best.”

“I am only the best dad for you, babe,” Liam tells her with a chuckle.

He could try it now, slide her name into the conversation. But it’s stuck in his throat, choking him. There’s the constant reminder of the silence that could follow and it’s terrifying, making fear wrap around his chest.

Lily groans, and he watches the way her hands fly up in the air like Louis does. “Uncle Lou is right, you are difficult.”

“You need to spend less time with him,” Liam scolds gently, but warmth expands across his chest. He loves his best mate, and he’s not sure if there’s anyone better for Lily to spend all of her time with. Except, maybe, his daughter would sound more like a five year old if she didn’t.

“I will when he moves in with Uncle Haz,” she says casually, resting her head back against the seat with a sigh.

“What?” Liam asks, this time looking over his shoulder at her. Her face gets red, and a hand flies to her mouth.

“That was a secret, Papa. Don’t tell Uncle Lou I told you, he’ll get mad.”

“He won’t get mad at you,” Liam assures her. He’s going to get mad at Louis, though.

“But-”

“Lily,” Liam says firmly. “He would never be mad at you.”

“Okay,” she says, dragging out each syllable.

Liam wants to slam his head onto the steering wheel.

 

“Were you going to tell me?” Liam asks, slumping down on the couch next to Louis. “That you’re moving?

Louis grimaces. “Um, I was definitely going to tell you. Like tomorrow, over tea.”

Liam raises his eyebrows. “Oh yeah? Over tea? ‘Hey mate, you’re homeless. Want more sugar?’”

Louis kicks him, kicks him hard, and Liam punches him in the leg in retaliation. “I would never leave you homeless, you idiot. I’m giving you my flat. It’s already paid for the next couple of months, just utilities and stuff every month and if you can’t afford it you know I can.”

“Louis,” Liam starts, fingers pressing into his temples. He doesn’t like handouts, he’s been more than grateful for everything Louis’ has done for him and he’s not even close to paying him back for any of it.

“Liam,” Louis says over him. “You need normalcy, Lily needs it – and Harry asked me to move in.”

“How’s that going to work out for your non-relationship?” Liam doesn’t mean to be harsh, but he was just telling Tricia about how he was getting on his feet again that day and he feels like it’s steadily collapsing around him.

“More sex? Probably great.”

 “Are you sure about this?”

“Positive.”

Liam stares at him, trying to gauge his expression and he’s completely genuine.

“Does that mean you don’t want to call that guy Niall? He’s the one on the RSVP for Sab’s birthday party.”

Louis bites on his bottom lip. “No, I shouldn’t,” he groans.

“It’s going to suck not having you around,” Liam tells him.

“Find someone to suck since I’m not going to be around,” Louis laughs, elbowing him in the side.

Liam glares. “Who is the five year old? You or Lily?”

 

Lily wakes up before him the day of the birthday party, picking out her outfit and assuring the wrapped present is waiting for them by the door (at least four times after he wakes up, he has no clue how many times before).

He wakes up to her digging through his closet, attempting to pull a black and red plaid shirt from it’s hanger.

“What are you up to?” he murmurs tiredly, pulling the shirt off for her.

“This and pants,” she tells him. She shoves at him to move backwards, pushing him towards the bathroom. “Gotta get showered, Papa. Today’s Sab’s birthday!”

He had called Niall the night after his talk with Louis, and was surprised to find a young sounding man with a thick Irish accent. The man had been thrilled that Liam was calling to RSVP, telling Liam he was shocked about how many he had gotten already.

“It’s a surprise,” Niall had told him. “The little guy deserves a big party and his father is such a prick about me lending him money, y’know?”

Liam had laughed, completely understanding that feeling. The idea of Louis giving him his flat still made guilt curl in his stomach. That was a common feeling this week.

He lost his chance to bring up Danielle for now – he’s not going to bring it up before the party and risk upsetting Lily when she’s already so excited.

(But that just makes him feel guiltier because he has two more days to bring her up twice, and he should have just gotten his shit together and did it already.)

There are cars parked along the street in front of a small, yellow house. He can see a balloon bounce in the back of the yard as he parks, and a blur of kids he recognizes from Lily’s class. Louis had planned on coming with them, but today was the only day Harry could use his father’s van to get the rest of Louis’ things out of the apartment.

Lily sits in her booster seat, arms barely fitting around the large present. She refused to let him know what it was, saying, “You’ll be jealous, Papa.”

“Do you need help carrying that love?”

“No, and please no nicknames in front of my friends,” she orders.

Liam ends up taking the box as she struggles to get out of the car with it. “No promises, my little princess bug,” he coos, handing it back to her. “My little ball of sunshine gumdrop giggly poo.”

She frowns at him before marching towards the front door, Liam laughing in her wake. She’s gotten her independence from her mother, knocking on the door without waiting for him. He was always the shy one, always the one to make his Mummy (and even sometimes Danielle) do things for him that he was too afraid to do.

The door opens by a man with bright red cheeks, and unnatural blond hair sticking up into a messy quiff. Liam can tell it’s Niall before he speaks, just by the excitement on his face. He only nods at Liam before getting down on Lily’s level and taking the box. “Hey there, Lily. How ya doin’?”

“I’m excited,” she answers.

“Sab’s excited too. Has been asking when you’ll get here since he woke up this morning,” Niall laughs, patting her head. “They’re all in the back, if you want to go see.” He points a finger to a glass door at the back of what looks like a kitchen from where they’re standing.

Lily looks up at Liam, waiting for a nod before she goes running off.

“Niall Horan. Liam, yeah? Remember from the phone call.”

Liam nods, hoping his hands aren’t too sweaty when they clasp his. Fuck, maybe he should have just called his Mum to bring her to the party. He feels like when he was twelve, and he had gone to his first birthday party that he remembers and he had been so nervous –

The house isn’t very large, but it’s nice, and extremely clean. Not a single thing out of place in the living room, except for what looks like textbooks spread out along the couch. There’s a photo of a young boy, who Liam assumes to be Sab, hanging behind the television. He’s quite cute, with a fluff of black hair and the biggest dark brown eyes that could rival Lily’s.

It’s a bit unsettling, the way the contrast of black and gold resembles the face that’s been circling his head for two weeks now, but he ignores it, listening as Niall points out the bathroom as Liam follows him through the house.

“Beer in the fridge. Help ye’self to as much as ye want, just save some for me,” Niall laughs and Liam tries but it sounds more like he’s being choked. “And I’ll introduce you to Zayn, Sab’s dad. Great guy, you should have seen his face when we were setting up the bouncy thing. Nearly wet himself.”

Liam fumbles past the threshold of the door. “Zayn?” he repeats, and this time it definitely sounds strangled. It’s confirmed in the way Niall’s brows crunch together when he nods his head.

Zayn’s back is facing him, and that expanse of skin at the back of his neck he had been trying to taste the last time he saw him is even more golden in the sunlight. He sees a tattoo peeking out the top of his collar that Liam hadn’t noticed last time and the shirt is tight against his skin, stretched by every contour of their back. And fuck, they’re at a six year’s old birthday party –

“Zaynie!” Niall calls.

Zayn turns, mid laugh at something the lady in front of him had said. The smile wavers a bit when his eyes fall on Liam, but only for a moment. The palm of Liam’s hands are like fountains, worse than before and he resists the urge to rub them along his jeans.

“Liam,” Zayn says, smiling around his name. His tongue presses at the back of his teeth and Liam remembers what it felt like when it was his tongue licking behind them.

Liam nods, throat constricting. The amount of times he’s greeted people before, yet he can’t think of anything similar to “hello” or “how are you?”

Niall looks between them. There’s something mischievous about his smile when he says, “ _Oh_.”

Zayn glares at him, hitting him on the chest. “Could you go get our guest a beer or summat?”

Niall laughs loudly, head thrown back as he scurries off.

“Sorry, he’s a prick,” Zayn mumbles, smiling at him again. “Good to see you, Liam. Your daughter is a classmate of Sab’s, I’m assuming?”

Liam nods. He finds her pigtails bouncing as she and Sab, he recognizes from the photos, run around the swing set in the back. Sab’s smaller than her, than any of the other kids. The ringlets that fall against his hair are a shade lighter than Zayn’s. He points to her just in case Zayn forgot from when he’s seen her at the hospital. “Lily.”

“Lily,” Zayn repeats, quirking an eyebrow. “How ironic.”

“How so?”

“My Sab is quite fond of her. I’m a bit fond of you.”

Liam flushes, feeling the warmth coat up to his ears at Zayn’s words, soft and whisper like. There’s people surrounding them, actual old adults and a people around their age. Not many of them are past the porch, their eyes only staying on their children for moments at a time.

Niall comes back, clapping a hand on Liam’s shoulder as if they’ve been friends for a long time and hands him a can. “So, Liam,” he starts, ignoring the glare that Zayn is sending his way. “What do you do?”

Liam grazes his fingers nervously at the back of his neck, where sweat is starting to build up even though it’s not really hot outside. He’s not embarrassed by his job, it puts food on the table, but it doesn’t sound too amazing out loud. “Ah, I work at a bakery right now.”

“Oh yeah? Which one?”

Liam can’t tell if Niall is making fun of him when he smiles like he’s about to burst out laughing at everything Liam says. “The one on the corner of Crandall?”

Niall glances at Zayn, whose jaw is a tight line as he stares back, brows raised. “So you know Harry?”

“Obviously.” Liam grimaces when he realizes how rude that was. But Zayn grins and Niall looks as if it never happened.

“And the one that came here? Louis, I think? For Sab’s playdate? Boyfriend?”

“Niall,” Zayn gasps, hand reaching out to slap Niall’s chest again but Niall ducks away from it.

“Best mate, actually.” He would say kind of dating Harry but he doesn’t really know what the hell Louis and Harry are, let alone if he’s allowed to tell anyone.

“Good,” Niall winks. “Malik here is single, by the way.”

He runs off when the doorbell rings and Zayn gives him an apologetic look. “Sorry about him. Um, again.”

“I don’t mind,” Liam answers, honestly. As long as he doesn’t ask questions about Lily’s mum he’s fine. The nightmares came back that week, just once – but he had really thought they had stopped, and he’s not quite sure if he can handle talking about her.

And he feels bad, because mentions of her bring Lily’s face to mind – the one terrified and panicked, the face that keeps him up at night, not actually Danielle. And that’s what he’s struggling with.

Liam stares down at his feet, willing that away. Intrusive thoughts, he remembers when Tricia had explained some of the common symptoms. They get in the way, and the goal is to work past them. And he wants to, because he’d much rather just enjoy Zayn in front of him, and his smiling daughter a few yards away.

(And he can breathe better when he spots her because she’s fine. Breathing, alive – happy.)

“You sure?” Zayn asks, brows pushing together. Liam looks up and nods, a genuine smile on his face.

He likes Zayn like this even more, under the bright of the sun, he practically glows. His hair is not really black like he thought, but a dark brown with golds and reds and he’s just, beautiful. It’s a bit overwhelming, and he keeps looking at Liam and it makes him feel hot –

“Papa!”

Lily’s running over to him, breathless with red cheeks. Her fingers curl around his hand, tugging him down. “Sab says the best superhero ever is Green Lantern.” She chews down on her lip roughly, tears welling in her eyes. “We have to bring his present back!”

Liam pulls out the scarf from his back pocket, swiping it along her eyes and she grabs it, pressing her face into the material like Liam does after a rough session with Tricia.

Zayn joins them where they’re kneeling, his fingers gentle on her hands to pull the cloth away. “Hey, none of that, sunshine. Sab will love whatever you bought him. And if he is rude about it, tell him his Daddy said he’ll take away all Green Lantern for a week.”

“You mean his Baba,” she corrects, sniffling the last of her tears. It goes right to Liam’s chest, like a fist squeezing around his heart as he watches them. He has no emotional connection to Zayn, but he’s been unable to think about much else besides him and now he’s with his daughter, wiping away her tears. He doesn’t even mind that that is his job, not Zayn’s.

It makes him want to drag Zayn inside and explore the taste of his mouth again.

Zayn stands up, laughing. “That’s right. His Baba.”

“And if he doesn’t like it, I think that means I get to have it?” Liam jokes.

“Papa,” she groans. She hands him back the scarf. “Don’t lose it.” And she runs off.

Zayn quirks an eyebrow at him, lips circling the rip of his bottle as he tips his head back to swallow. It’s distracting, the way his throat constricts and relaxes as he swallows and Liam finds himself uncomfortable with the fact that his pants are growing tight while surrounded by clowns and bouncy houses.

“Papa?” Zayn asks, amusement pressing hard against his lips. “You look more like a Daddy to me.”

Liam groans as if Zayn made a bad joke, but his words make Liam’s stomach twist with arousal. And he remembers that’s okay, that’s normal. (Probably not at a kid’s birthday party but c’mon, _Zayn_.)

Zayn cuts the cake decorated in green and black frosting, and Niall leads them in activities like Duck, Duck, and Goose. He seems to fit in, like a big child himself. And the energy around the back yard is just buzzing, smiles surrounding and it’s difficult for Liam not to smile himself.

When Sab opens his present – an Iron Man Halloween costume with a mask and all – he screams, wrapping his arms around Lily’s neck and hugging her so tightly Liam is considering running over them to check on her but he lets go quickly.

“You’re my best friend, I love you,” he says, pressing a wet kiss to her cheek that the other kids pick fun at. Liam looks at Zayn, who smiles fondly and gives him a shrug, hands going up in defense as if Liam were an over-protective father. He is, but he hadn’t been thinking that.

Liam notices they are inseparable, Lily and Sab. He watches how they follow each other around, laughing and whispering to each other with their hands clasped to the other’s ear. At one point, he watches another boy say ‘but she’s a girl’ and Sab pushes him to the ground, making him cry. Zayn scolds him, but there’s an understanding smile on his face when he wipes away Sab’s oncoming tears and ruffles his hair.

“You know,” Zayn says, once he comes back onto the porch with Liam. Liam’s rarely left his spot, other than to tend to Lily, who so far wants little to do with him. He’s not much into being a social parent and he knows he’s standoffish, but he doesn’t care. “You’re welcome to stay after the party, for like dinner or summat. Lily can help Sab with his presents. He’s been dying to have her over again.”

“Um, thank you.” Liam’s voice wavers. He’d love to stay, to let Lily and Sab spend more time with each other because the happiness on her face is something he never wants to get rid of.

“Sab told me Lily said you won’t let her come over much because you don’t like to share her,” Zayn says, laughing softly. Liam smiles to himself  - he wishes it were that simple.

“I’m sorry ‘bout that,” Liam mumbles.

Zayn waves at him offhandedly. “Don’t be. Just say yes. That you’ll stay.”

Liam wants to ask, for you or for Sab, but he’s not sure if he really can handle a response to that, so he just nods.

“Good. Great, actually.”

 

Liam helps Zayn clean up after the party, which takes a while, ending with Zayn giving up with a frustrated sigh and a promise to finish it later. Niall’s a zombie when they go in, shuffling upstairs. It’s past Lily’s nap time too, but she’s still bright with laughter as Sab grabs her hand and pulls her inside.

“C’mon, Lil. My room is this way,” he says, looking up at Zayn first for permission.

Liam’s not sure how it didn’t click as soon as he saw those photos of Sab. They’re identical, practically. More resemblance to each other than Liam and Lily, who Liam thinks, looks just like her mother. The almond color of Sab’s eyes, the long lashes surrounding them. He’s got rounder cheeks than Zayn’s sharp cheekbones, of course, but Liam can see where they’ll probably thin out once Sab is older.

“Keep the door open,” Zayn says sternly.

“Wide open!” Liam calls after them as they run off.

“When they’re older,” Zayn says casually, opening the fridge to pull out a tin covered plate. “We’re going to have to keep an eye on them. I was a bit bad myself when I was younger.”

Liam groans. “Don’t say that. Don’t want to have to threaten your son.”

It’s a joke that Zayn thankfully chuckles at. Liam remembers meeting Danielle’s father for the first time and being scared shitless. He had been on the edge of breaking down into tears when Dani had used some excuse to get them out of there.

Zayn starts the oven. “Lily’s a tough one, it seems. Don’t think you have to.”

“Gets that from her mum,” Liam admits. He stills, waiting for the tension and the panic that accompanies talking about her to come, but it doesn’t. It was a slip of the tongue, he hadn’t even thought about it.

“Yeah?”

“Yup,” Liam says shortly, hoping Zayn will realize he doesn’t want to breach the subject. He feels okay, but he doesn’t want to push it.

Zayn does seem to realize, when he changes the subject back to food. “Hope you’re hungry. Me mum sends over dinner every day because I’m a shit cook.”

“I’m shit too,” Liam admits, leaning his back against the counter. “Dinner usually consists of canned veggies and chicken nuggets.

Zayn reaches out, fingers rubbing at the back of Liam’s neck when he laughs. “But you’re a baker, babe.”

Liam blushes at the nickname. “Preheat specialist at your service.”

“Now, I’m feeling under pressure,” Zayn jokes.

The other man pulls away his touch, and for a foolish moment, Liam misses it.

Dinner is good, and it’s not as tense sitting around the table as Liam had expected it to be. A bit strange, since he can’t take his eyes away from Zayn except for when Lily coughs, cheeks burning from the spicy flavor. Her eyes are wide and pleading when she looks at him, not saying a word he knows because it’s rude.

“Lils, it’s okay if you don’t want to eat anymore,” Zayn assures her.

“I will,” she breathes. “It’s Sab’s favorite. He told me.”

“Then I get two. I can eat yours,” Sab tells her, smiling around his spoon. Lily looks a bit relieved, placing her hands in her lap.

“How about this, babe? I saw how much you liked it at the party,” Zayn says, getting up to bring one of the plates from the counter to the table. “It’s cool, for your tongue.”

He plops potato salad on her plate as she says, “Thank you very much, Sab’s Baba.”

“Mr. Malik,” Liam corrects, remembering what Niall called him earlier.

“Zayn is fine.”

“Mr. Zayn,” Lily giggles.

“Perfect,” he says around a smile.

It feels perfect, Liam thinks.

 

They decide on the last Toy Story after dinner. Liam’s not sure who is more excited, him or Lily, as they settle on the couch. Lily pushes him over to make room for Sab, pushing Liam farther into Zayn’s space and he doesn’t mind.

Zayn’s fingers slide along his neck as he chuckles, eyeing the little ones and it’s hard to pay attention much after that. With their bodies pressed so close, he can feel each rise and fall of Zayn’s chest as he breathes, softly humming every now and then as his fingers trace patterns along Liam’s skin.

It’s so comforting, is the thing. Liam’s not sure the last time he felt so relaxed, so at ease and he wants to bask in it, capture the feeling in a bottle and save it for when he needs it.

It’s just past the start of the break out scene when Lily’s snores mix in with Woody and Buzz’ chaos. Sab’s eyes are closed, fingers linked with Lily’s though he’s leaning the opposite direction than her.

“They’re asleep,” he whispers to Zayn, using it as an excuse to turn to him. He’s kept his eyes on the movie the whole time, fighting the urge to watch Zayn again.

“Party wore ‘em out,” Zayn whispers, eyes falling to Liam’s mouth. He reaches out, running the pad of his thumb across Liam’s bottom lip and Liam bites the inside of his cheek, trying to keep his body from shivering when Zayn’s tongue pokes out the corner of his mouth.

“Should probably get them to bed,” Zayn continues, but he’s moving his head forward, hand sliding to cup Liam’s jaw. Liam nods in response, taking a breath before Zayn’s lips are brushing against his like a question.

Liam parts his lips to say yes. They fit together perfectly, slowly dragging their lips against each other. Zayn’s lips are slick and chapped, spicy from dinner but Liam doesn’t mind the burn as much like this. Zayn’s tongue flicks out, pushing past the seam of his lips and Liam shutters, pressing himself closer to the other man. His memories had done kissing Zayn little justice.

Zayn groans softly when Liam wraps his lips around his tongue, sucking gently until Zayn’s fingers slide to the back of his head, stretching for a grip but Liam’s hair is too short. Liam wants to press him down into the back of the couch, see if he can get Zayn to keep making those noises but Lily and Sab –

Zayn pulls away, breathing a little bit more labored and lips slick from Liam. “We really should get them to bed.” He drags a thumb across Liam’s bottom lip again, tugging it down gently. “Care to join me in mine?”

Liam’s breath hitches. He shouldn’t, he _really_ shouldn’t.

“Yeah,” he huffs out, pressing their lips together softly once more. It’s normal, right? They’re young, Zayn’s fit -

Zayn grins. “Must be my birthday too,” he jokes, winking at him before untangling himself from Liam. Fit, and adorable as shit.

They get Sab to bed, placing Lily on the couch and they’re barely out of the living room when Zayn’s got his hands on Liam, backing him against the hallway wall. Liam doesn’t mind being maneuvered like this, because Zayn’s lips are on his again, legs tangling together.

Liam likes that Zayn takes over, deciding what they do before Liam can let his worries get in the way. Because he wants to kiss Zayn, he wants to touch Zayn, and if he thinks too much about it he won’t.

There’s nothing slow about it anymore, with the way Zayn’s licking into his mouth, Liam’s hands rucking up the back of his shirt to press them closer together. It’s been a long time since Liam’s had another body pressing against him like this, hips grinding into his with intent.

“Or we could stay here,” Zayn chuckles, dragging his lips across Liam’s jaw. “But you’re going to have to be quieter, or the kids will hear you.”

Liam leans his head back against the wall to give Zayn access to the column of his throat. He hadn’t even realized he was panting and gasping and making these embarrassing sounds that make his cheeks flush.

“Sorry,” Liam mutters as Zayn’s fingers work at the buttons of the plaid shirt.

Zayn shakes his head. “Don’t be,” he says with a grin. He presses his hips down, thrusting against him until Liam gasps. “I like it.”

Liam groans, shrugging the rest of the shirt off so he can lift off Zayn’s. “Then you should probably get me to bed.”

A laugh vibrates deep in Zayn’s chest, fingers sliding against Liam’s now bare back to pull him down the hallway. They stumble over each other’s feet and Liam feels like a teenager again, sneaking around in the late of the night without a care on his shoulders, except for being heard.

He doesn’t think about it, though, too busy focusing on the way Zayn pushes through the door. The lights are off so it’s hard to make out much in the room, except for what’s highlighted by the dull light of the window, but Zayn guides him, never letting Liam stray too far.

When his knees hit the edge of the bed, Zayn pushes him down gently, crawling into his lap. Like this, even in the dark, Liam can make out the wings inked into Zayn’s skin and he runs his tongue over them, eyeing Zayn hesitantly as he does so. Zayn sighs, fingers carding through Liam’s hair when he grinds his hips down.

“How many do you have?” Liam asks, lips moving to the skull on Zayn’s shoulder.

“Lost count,” Zayn breathes, pressing Liam’s shoulders so he lies back. He leans his head in, sucking softly at Liam’s collarbone. “Now you have one.”

He moves his lips down, sucking marks along Liam’s torso until Liam’s a panting mess underneath him. Zayn bites along his navel, fingers working deftly at the buttons of his jeans and Liam wants them off – _now._

“Need these off,” Zayn says. “That okay?”

Liam nods, trying not to be too eager but it doesn’t work and Zayn’s chuckling before he tugs the material down.

“Need yours off too,” Liam adds. Zayn nods jerkily, standing up to shuck his own jeans off. Liam wishes the lights were on so he could see better, but Zayn is back on top of him before he can ask.

He can feel the length of Zayn grinding against his hip. Fuck, he’s so hard and quiet, compared to Liam who moans shamelessly against Zayn’s lips when their cocks slide together just right.

“You know,” Zayn huffs out, Liam’s teeth catching at his lips. His hands are bracketing Liam’s head, fingers tugging in his hair. “Haven’t been able to stop thinking about you, like – at all, babe.”

His head falls into the crook of Liam’s shoulder when he moans, muffling it against Liam’s neck as their hips move together. His words after that are hushed, so quiet that Liam’s not even sure he’s heard the “beautiful, you are,” pressed into his skin correctly.

“Zayn,” Liam groans, gripping Zayn’s hips to pull him harder against him. He wants to tell Zayn he hasn’t been able to stop thinking about him either, but Zayn made it sound hot and he’d probably just sound desperate and a bit stupid.

Zayn pushes up on his arms. “You could come like this, hm?” He thrusts his hips down, fucking his length against Liam’s. “Desperate for it?”

Liam nods, not caring that he’ll be embarrassed by that later. He probably _could_ come like this, soaking through his briefs because it’s been forever since someone touched him.

“Me too,” Zayn admits, dragging his hand along Liam’s side to tug at the briefs. “Can I take these off?”

“What would you do if I said no?” Liam jokes breathlessly, lifting his hips up to help Zayn slide them off anyway.

Zayn snorts, pulling them down his thighs. “Ask how you want me, then? Wanna make it good for you, babe.”

His voice is low and hoarse, jolting down Liam’s spine. “You could um -“ The words stick in his throat. He wants it, fuck he wants to feel Zayn inside of him - but he doesn’t do things like that, he is considering burying his face in embarrassment just thinking about saying fuck me out loud.

“I could,” Zayn urges for him to continue as he strips off his own briefs. He nudges Liam’s thighs apart, fitting in between them. Liam watches when he leans down, biting the sensitive flesh of his inner thigh. “I could what, babe?”

He continues to bite at Liam’s thighs, teasing his tongue along his skin until Liam answers. “Fuck me, Zayn. You could fuck me.”

Liam’s words are whispered, but urgent. Zayn groans, biting harshly at his skin before he’s up again, and nodding.

“Dirty mouth,” Zayn teases, coming forward to press their lips together. “Get on your knees for me, yeah?”

Zayn’s weight leaves the bed after Liam does as he says, digging his knees into the mattress. He stays up on his elbows so he’s close enough to hide his face in Zayn’s pillow if he needs to.

When the bed dips down again, there’s the lightest press of skin brushing across the curve of his ass and he shutters. He hopes Zayn doesn’t drag it out, but he also _wouldn’t_ mind so he doesn’t say anything.

“Fuck Li,” Zayn says and Liam’s not sure what to make of the awed tone of his voice. He doesn’t have to respond though, because Zayn’s biting sharply at the back of his thigh and he’s gasping out, pressing his hips back to get Zayn going.

Zayn’s fingers are cool when they press against him, slicking along his hole before pressing in gently. Zayn’s other hand holds his hip firmly, keeping him still. It’s been even longer since Liam’s had anyone else _there,_ touching himself in such a private area and he feels dirty, moaning to the point it almost seems faked every time Zayn fucks his finger into him.

Zayn groans along with him, muttering things where his lips press against Liam’s lower back. Things that make him flush, and want to tug at his cock. “Tight babe. S’been a while, huh? Could come just thinking about how you’d feel stretched around my prick, Li.”

Liam thrusts back, hiding his hiss in the pillow when Zayn presses a second finger in. Zayn’s gentle with his fingers, but not so much with his teeth, which nip and tug at the skin of his lower back, the thick of Liam’s cheeks. He grazes the ball of nerves inside of Liam and it curls up his spine, making him gasp out, pressing his hips for more.

“Good for another?” Zayn hums, blanketing Liam’s back with his chest to press his lips along Liam’s shoulder as his fingers scissor and curl, stretching him. Liam nods, not sure if he can manage actual words.

Zayn bites down on the curve of his shoulder to distract him from the intrusion of his third finger. His tongue licks over the mark, sliding over to the dip between his shoulders and down his spine as he fucks his fingers in faster. Liam’s keening, fucking back onto his hand, trying to distract himself from the ache in his cock because he wants to feel Zayn inside of him first, wants to feel every press of Zayn’s skin against his own before he wraps a hand around himself.

“Liam fuck,” Zayn says, pressing up onto his knees. “Can you-“

Liam nods and Zayn pulls his fingers away, quickly. He groans, missing the fullness -

“Lay flat,” Zayn says. Liam does, stretching his legs flat so his chest rests against the mattress as he hears the ripping of tin foil.

Liam tries to crane his head back, even though it hurts his neck, to watch Zayn press his hips forward, hands cupping him to keep him spread. Zayn bites hard, almost painfully on his lower lip as he guides the tip against Liam.

He’s slow, and his fingers pinch painfully into his skin as he pushes in. Zayn’s heavy breaths match Liam’s staggered ones as he stretches around him. It stings, and Liam’s biting his tongue to keep from hissing because he doesn’t want Zayn to stop.

It’s a long beat of silence once Zayn’s pressed to the hilt, just the sounds of their breathing, but then he’s dragging back out – picking up the pace with each stroke until the slap of skin becomes louder than the moans that he tries to hold back.

“Fuck, you’re tight,” Zayn groans, chest coming down to press against Liam’s back. Liam cranes his neck again, capturing Zayn’s lips with his own to feel every grunt Zayn lets out against his tongue.

“Zayn,” he groans. He may be loud, moans vibrating out of his chest, but Zayn keeps talking, and it makes Liam feel like he’s catching on fire every time he tells Liam how _good he feels_ or _how beautiful he looks taking his cock_.

“Feels good?” Zayn asks, sounding almost like he’s concerned it doesn’t and Liam huffs out a chuckle, a broken one from Zayn’s hips snapping forward.

Fuck, it does feel good and he’s not going to last much longer with the way Zayn’s strokes his cock into spot every time, and the way his own grinds down into the mattress every time Zayn presses his hips down. He tells Zayn as much as he thrusts faster, moans louder now where his lips are pressed to Liam’s ear.

Liam comes with Zayn’s mouth on his shoulder, fingers carding through his hair and a shattered moan – muffled against the pillow that’s heavy with Zayn’s cologne. Zayn follows a beat later, with staggered hips and dragged out grunt where his teeth press into Liam’s skin again.

He turns Liam after he pulls out slowly, sliding their lips together until the fall and rise of their chests are calmer, not as frantic and desperate for air. He can feel Zayn smiling against his lips, fingers grazing every inch of his skin before he pulls back, teeth catching on Liam’s bottom lip to tug it with him.

“Think you have a biting kink,” Liam chuckles, sliding his palms up Zayn’s damp back. He likes the way Zayn feels on top of him, how warm is skin is under the palm of Liam’s hands and how fucking beautiful he looks gazing down at him.

“Think I have a Liam kink,” Zayn whispers around a smirk, rolling his tongue along Liam’s lips. “You taste pretty good.”

Liam groans, clenching his eyes shut. “If you keep saying things like that, you’ll never get me out of this bed.”

Zayn chuckles, an accomplished grin tugging at his lips. “Good. Then stay, yeah?”

Liam opens his mouth, closing it again because he’s unsure how to respond to that. He had been joking. He can’t really stay. “I – I shouldn’t. Lily-“

Her name racks through his brain, mixing in with emotions he doesn’t want to handle. Guilt, mostly – and it makes him nauseous, makes him roll Zayn off of him so he can get up.

It’s like this every time, things just feel like they’re crashing down around him, destroyed by the thoughts flooding through his head so suddenly. _Why did you do that_ and _look what you’ve fucked up now._ Realistically somewhere, a deep somewhere, he knows this is okay to do – it’s not hurting Lily, but his thoughts won’t let him accept that. It’s like when someone tells you it will be okay but you know they’re just saying that because they feel like they need to  -

“We can put her in Sab’s room, or you can share the bed with her in here, I’ll sleep on the couch –“

Liam doesn’t quite understand what it means when his chest tightens at Zayn’s words, and he doesn’t try to. Instead, he scrambles to find his pants, tripping over a pair of shoes. Zayn’s behind him, grabbing for his arm but he wiggles away before Zayn can get a hold.

“I shouldn’t have – It was a bad idea. Lily’s already got enough of me fucking shit up, I really don’t –“

He tugs on his pants as Zayn stares at him. Liam really wishes he wouldn’t, wishes he would just roll over in bed and let him walk out. Yeah, he’s been out of the dating game for a long ass time now, but he definitely remembers that being a thing when it comes to one offs.  

“A bad idea?” Zayn repeats, cocking his head to the side. “You said –“

“I know,” Liam says harshly, reaching into his pocket but the scarf isn’t there. He foregoes the shirt, walking out of the room because maybe he left it on the couch or something.

“Liam,” Zayn says, rushing after him once he’s tugged on his own briefs. “I don’t get it?”

“Me neither,” Liam whispers in frustration. “I just – I really shouldn’t have. Lily could have woken up and that would be really confusing. I mean, we don’t even talk about her mum, Zayn –“

Liam shuts his lips quickly. That thought of ‘ _you’re fucking shit up Liam’_ is blaring now.

Zayn nods, face falling and Liam thinks he wants to punch himself. He’s confused himself, because he just wants to kiss Zayn until his lips are sore and swollen but his daughter, who sleeps on the couch a few feet from there, should be his only focus. He can’t be distracted, when he’s trying hard to get everything in life right for her –

Zayn closes the space between them, fingers grabbing Liam, hesitant enough that Liam could pull away if wanted to. But he doesn’t, even though he feels pathetic with his shoulders slumping. It’s just the briefest brush of the lips, muddling Liam’s mind even more because he feels something too much like a need for it to get rid of the pressure in his chest.

“Fine, Liam. I get it. I just like, don’t want you to think I have bad intentions here. That I just want to fuck about or whatever. I like just being around you, and Lily. I had a really good day today, even before-” He waves his hand around, implying the two of them.

Liam nods. “I don’t think that.” It’s honest, he hadn’t thought that – and even if he did, he doesn’t think he’d mind if the situation with Lily were different. “Just got a lot I should be focusing on and you’re quite distracting.”

Zayn grins. “Not sorry for that.”

“Don’t be,” Liam rushes out. “I just can’t afford to be distracted.”

Zayn nods like he gets it, but Liam knows there’s no way he can. He pulls away, finding the scarf clutched in Lily’s hands as she sleeps, though he doesn’t remember her having it before. The air is too still and too suffocating around him as Zayn helps him with his coat, carries Lily out to the car for him even though Liam insists he can do it just fine, and kisses him like it’s a goodbye and not a see you later.

Liam’s chest is heavy and he clutches onto Lily as he walks her into his flat, hoping she knows how much he means the quiet apologies he whispers into her hair.

 

“Liam Payne, you dirty, dirty dog. What the fuck,” Louis gasps, walking through the bedroom door. Liam goes to turn, but Louis stops him, hands pinching at the bruised marks on his back. “Did you fuck a vampire?”

“Don’t want to talk about it,” Liam says shortly. “So drop it.”

Louis doesn’t, and Liam should have known better than even attempt it. “You’ve finally got laid, Payno! This is a big deal. How was it? _Who_ was it? You’re poor dick was probably singing to the Gods –“

“Louis,” Liam snaps. Lily’s in the house, in her room and probably can’t hear but still. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Louis frowns at him. It’s quiet as Liam buttons up his shirt, putting on the clip on tie before Louis speaks again. “Don’t tell me you feel guilty, Liam. Don’t do that.”

“Lou –“

“No, listen to me, mate. I know you, you’re beating yourself up over this aren’t you? You’re allowed to have casual sex mate. You’re allowed to be in a fully committed relationship if you want.”

“No,” Liam denies firmly. He doesn’t want to talk about this right now. He has a meeting with Lily and Tricia and that’s going to be draining enough. “It doesn’t quite work like that when you have a daughter you can barely take care of. You know I was supposed to talk about Danielle with her this week? And I couldn’t fucking do it? I should be focusing on that instead of fucking about with some guy I just met, just because he’s ridiculously attractive.”

Louis gives him a soft look before tugging Liam to his chest. “Mate, you should have told me. I could have started the conversation.”

“I’m supposed to be able to do it, but thanks,” Liam says weakly. He’s glad Louis has dealt with him long enough that sometimes he bottles it up and explodes on him, but he doesn’t mean to. “I have to go. Why’d you come over?”

“Not important,” Louis assures him, pressing a wet kiss to his cheek. “Call me later, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

 

Lily sits quietly, eyes on the hands in her lap. “Do you want to tell Papa what we’ve practiced,” Tricia had asked. Lily’s shoulders had slumped and she hasn’t looked up since.

Liam swallows thickly, he wants to know what they’ve practiced but he’s afraid of forcing her. He’s not sure what to say –

“Will you tell me about your day yesterday? You said you were going to your friend’s house?” Tricia tries instead, trying to stimulate some kind of talking out of her.

Lily nods. “It was fun.”

Liam grimaces, turning his head so she can’t see the tears prickling at his eyes. She goes on and on about Sab to everyone, had talked his ear off all morning about him.

He can do this. He has to do this.

“You know,” he starts, clearing his throat. Tricia’s eyes fall on him and she gives him an assuring smile before he turns to Lily, who still doesn’t look up. “Mummy and me used to take you to this fun house, d’you remember? The one with the tubes you could climb in and the bouncy house like the one at the party?”

Lily shrugs.

“You used to make Mummy hold you the whole time in the bouncy house. But you did it all by yourself, yesterday.”

“M’ a big girl, Papa,” Lily says, looking up. Her eyes are glossy and Liam wants to reach out and comfort her but he can’t make a big deal out of talking about Danielle.

“We could go back there. Take Sab with us if you want?”

Lily nods when Tricia says, “Sab?”

“My best mate,” Lily tells her. There’s something unreadable on Tricia’s face before she closes her lips, smiling softly. “I’d like that Papa. And we can go in the tub with all the colorful balls?”

Liam nods, a smile on his own face. “Yeah, babe. Of course.”

They don’t mention Danielle again, but they’ve progressed – Lily’s speaking now at least during the session like she normally does so Liam’s happy. Little steps, he reminds himself. They’ve walked long distances, and that much is starting to become apparent to him.

Tricia puts her pad away right before the sessions over. “Lily, would you mind giving Papa and me a minute? Could go play in the waiting room?”

Lily nods before slipping off the couch. “Thank you,” she says politely before leaving like Liam had taught her to do.

“I just wanted to remind you Liam that our sessions come to an end in a few weeks. I know we’ve discussed extending them if seen fit, but I don’t think they will be necessary. I would like to set up a follow up meeting in a few months though –“

“What?” Liam interrupts as the words sink in. “I don’t think we’re ready for that.” Sure, it’s been nearly a year but _no._

Tricia just keeps smiling but Liam’s panicking slightly, heart pounding in his chest. “The follow up is about a month or two after our last session, up to you to decide when. Then, we can see if more treatment is necessary. I’d like to see how you progress without my direction, but using the tools that we’ve learned through our sessions together.”

Liam nods. That makes sense, and she had told him that the treatment design set up for him requires a no treatment period when they first met, but it makes him want to throw up.

“I want to refer you to a family counselor though Liam, to continue to work on your relationship with your daughter. I treat pathologies, the PTSD symptoms that we’ve been working on, and I’ve been assessing your daughter to see if she’s suffering from the same. She doesn’t, I think she’s afraid of upsetting you and I know a wonderful therapist who works amazing with single parent families. And from what we’ve assessed, your symptoms have decreased significantly Liam, suggesting you may no longer need my help for them. Instead, it might be beneficial for you to seek therapies that focus on the relationship between your daughter and you. An adjustment counselor, if you will.”

Liam only nods again. That makes him feel a little better, he guesses.  The dreams haven’t been as frequent; almost never actually just once last week but Tricia said that is normal – they will come sometimes, it’s the fact that he’s been able to handle them well that’s important. It’s just talking about her that’s been the difficult part. Just to his daughter, though.

“She may be able to have Lily participate more actively in sessions than I’ve been able to.”

“I will,” Liam promises.

“Let’s our goal this time be just mentioning Danielle once before we meet in a few days.”

Liam nods in understanding, taking the referral from her before thanking her and leaving. It was a good session until that, and now Liam feels as if he can’t pick his feet up off the floor.

“We talk about my Mummy.”

It’s Lily’s voice, quiet and so casual that he stills before turning into the waiting room, pressing himself against the wall that separates them.

“Or we try to talk about my Mummy but I don’t like to talk about her here.”

“Why not? She has a nice face, in that picture you showed me.”

Liam recognizes that voice, and he cusses quietly. If he’s here, that means Zayn probably is too -

“She is nice, Sab. Best mummy ever, but Papa –“ Lily’s quiet for a moment and Liam wants to crane his head around the corner to see if she’s upset, but he wants, needs her to keep talking. “He gets sad. You’re not sad when I talk about my Mum?”

“No. I like when you tell me stories about her.”

Liam bites around a smile. It’s just him she won’t talk to. It fucking makes his chest feel like it’s breaking.

“Lil?” he calls out, revealing himself.

She looks up from where she’s got blocks around her, eyes widening and Sab sits next to her, a smile on his face. “Sab?”

“Hi, Lily’s Papa,” he greets.

“What are you doing here?”

Lily hugs him tightly before scurrying over to her father and grabbing his hand.

“Baba brought me here. I’m spending the night at Grandma’s.”

Liam hesitates. “Okay. Is your Baba here?”

Sab nods. “Smoking. He’s bad.”

Liam would laugh normally, but he kind of feels as if his chest is caving in at the moment. “D’you want us to wait for him to come back in?”

Sab shakes his head. “No, I’m going to go see Dadi.” And then he scurries off in the direction which Liam came. Liam looks down at Lily who is already tugging him out of the office.

Zayn is outside, sitting on the curb with hands dragging through his hair. For a moment, Liam considers walking without saying anything, discreetly so Zayn won’t notice –

“Bye Mr. Zayn!”

Zayn jolts, a smile replacing the frown that was just there as he stands. “Bye angel.”

Liam stares at him awkwardly, just standing there because his feet won’t move. And he can’t get his lips to either. His heart definitely is though, pounding incessantly against his chest.

“Hey Liam,” Zayn says, walking up towards him. He stomps out the cigarette, rubbing his hands along the rips in his jeans.

Liam looks at the building they just came out of nervously, fingers rubbing at the back of his neck. “I um, can explain –“

“You don’t have to,” Zayn says easily, giving him a genuine smile. “I’d like you to stay around long enough that maybe you will though, one day.”

Liam looks at him to Lily, who is watching them. He shouldn’t have said that in front of her, even if his words were hushed. It could confuse her and Liam really doesn’t have the energy to deal with that on top of everything else at the moment.

“Of course,” Lily says. “Sab and I are best friends for forever so you have to be around for a long time.”

Zayn snorts, ruffling his fingers through her hair.  “I like her more than you, you know,” he tells Liam, and warmth spreads across his chest. Zayn’s making this difficult, comforting him even though he doesn’t realize Liam’s kind of freaking out – even though Liam doesn’t want him to. He doesn’t want to feel like he needs it, either.

Lily giggles. “If you’re going to kiss him can I please close my eyes?”

Liam gapes at her and Zayn laughs, throwing his head back. Lily gives Liam an innocent shrug. _Lily will show you if she’s not ready for it._ “Sab told me Mr. Zayn told Uncle Niall that you guys kiss and it’s gross, Papa.”

Liam feels like his face is on fire and Zayn keeps laughing. Even when he reaches out to drag a thumb across Liam’s jaw, he’s chuckling quietly. He doesn’t kiss Liam though, Liam didn’t think he would but Lily closes her eyes anyway.

“I should go make sure my Sab isn’t bothering me mum if she has a client. He tends to do that.” Zayn doesn’t give any more of an explanation, even though Liam is looking at him with confusion. “See you ‘round?”

“Yeah, um. Okay.”

 

According to Harry, Tricia is Zayn’s mother. His _mother,_ gave birth to him and is Liam’s therapist. His life is a joke. It’s stressful. How many other ways are their lives entwined somehow? Tricia, Sab and Lily, even fucking Harry knows Niall and Zayn somehow.

It’s really overwhelming.

“Why is it a big deal?” Harry asks, kicking his feet up onto the couch. Louis and Harry’s house is really nice, double the size of his own even though there’s no reason for them to have four bedrooms when they only occupy one.

“I dunno, Harry, you tell me. I had sex with my therapist’s son. That sentence alone should clear it up.”

Harry chuckles even though it’s not funny. Liam’s kind of having a crisis. “Yeah, the same guy who you already told you didn’t want to mess with anymore.”

Liam frowns at him. “You and I both know I probably didn’t mean that.”

Harry laughs, again. “I know, mate. But it’s really not a bad thing. She can’t tell him anything, I think that’s like – I dunno, a law or something. And maybe now he’ll have more patience with your confusing ass.”

Liam glares at him. He thinks he likes Louis better, who is currently off somewhere with Lily. (Probably getting ice cream because Lily had begged Liam to take her and he didn’t have the money. That’s another thing that’s adding to his mood.)

Harry rubs his shoulder. “I feel like you should probably call him, or – I dunno, let Lily sleep here and be at your house by seven or so. Just a suggestion?”

“What?” Liam snaps, shoving him off. “Harry? What’d you do?”

Harry gives him a wide eyed innocent look, hands going up. “Well, maybe when I called Niall to ask him about Zayn’s mum, he reminded me that he doesn’t have Sab tonight and he kind of, sort of told me Zayn doesn’t stop talking about you. And, I think you’re stupid for thinking you’re not allowed to date.”

“I think you’re stupid,” Liam says childishly. He needs people to leave him alone about this, to leave him alone completely and let him throw a tantrum or something, just to relieve the constant pressure building in his chest. “For refusing to say you and Louis are official even though you live together now.”

“You know that’s him, not me. Also, I hate you.”

“I hate you too. How do you even know Zayn and Niall?”

“Around,” Harry answers. “Niall’s a partier, mate. Everyone knows him. And I think I’ve had class with Zayn a few years ago. I’m not sure. But if we didn’t, I must have met him through Niall, I guess.”

“Oh,” Liam says, leaning back into the couch. Harry’s staring at him, that amused smile still on his face and when is he going to get it isn’t funny.

“I brought up Danielle during therapy today. To Lily,” he admits.

That fucking smirk slips off his face and Liam wants to be smug about it but it hurts too much. “Shit, how’d that go?”

Liam shrugs. “Neither one of us cried.”

“Progress,” Harry says, a warm smile on his face now. He comes over to Liam, wrapping his arms around his shoulders.

“Kind of want to, though,” Liam admits quietly, pressing his face into Harry’s shoulder. Harry lets him, no longer saying anything until they hear Louis and Lily outside and Liam has to rush to wipe the tears from his face.

 

Liam’s nervous, wiping the sweat on his palms down his jeans, picking things up and moving them around the house even though it’s as clean as it’s going to get. He doesn’t know what to expect, Harry had just said he was coming over –

Zayn knocks on the door a few minutes before seven and Liam keeps his forehead pressed to the back of it as he inhales and exhales, trying to even the rate of his heart.

Zayn’s got a white button up on top of black jeans, a warm smile on his face and a bottle of wine in his hand. How is Liam ever going to not be overwhelmed by him?

“Liam,” Zayn greets with that lopsided grin.

“Oh um, come in. Zayn.”

Liam’s still wearing the button up shirt he wore to Tricia’s, but the tie is long gone because he hates them, really. He feels a bit underdressed though and maybe it’s the hair, Zayn’s which is styled perfectly off the side of his head and Liam knows his own is a mess from his fingers tugging anxiously at it.

“Brought wine. Can’t cook, y’know.”

Liam chuckles. “I ordered Chinese.”

Zayn raises his brows, placing the wine on the table before coming over towards Liam. He keeps space between them, though. “You’re an angel,” Zayn groans, rubbing his stomach dramatically.

Liam can’t help but close that space because he hates it. Zayn grins lazily, fingers against Liam’s chest. “Is this a date?” Liam asks, quirking a brow. He hasn’t quite figured out if he’s ready to date, but he’s kind of realized he hates being so stressed out about it so maybe that’s a step.

Zayn’s nose scrunches. “An awkward one that our best shitty mates set up for us?” Liam nods, biting around a smile. He wishes it were easier for him to actually stick to what he says he’s going to do and not fall head over heels for Zayn, but he’s always been bad at doing the proper thing. “I sure hope so.”

“I think that means I have to wait until I walk you to your door to kiss you. Since it’s our first date.”

He pulls away with a smirk, going to get the door when there’s a knock. It just feels so easy with Zayn, like it’s okay to be happy -

“I take it back,” Zayn says, frowning. “This is not a date.”

Liam chuckles, thanking the delivery man and tipping him as much as he has left over from the money Harry and Louis had shoved into his hands when he had left their house. This time, Liam didn’t feel bad about accepting money from them, because Harry’s part of the reason Zayn’s even here.

(And secretly, Liam kind of loves Harry for it but he’ll never admit it out loud. He’s just going to let him have this one night at least, enjoy it and deal with all the things weighing on his shoulders tomorrow.)

It feels kind of nice, putting together dinner even though it’s such a small thing, one that Liam had insisted on doing it. Zayn’s his guest, but he had refused, making his own plate. It feels so – domestic, and he cringes at the warm way that makes him feel.

“It’s kind of crazy,” Zayn starts as they settle on the couch. Liam’s flicked some TV movie on and it looks quite awful but there’s nothing else. “If you think about it, we were kind of destined to meet. Like, if we hadn’t seen each other at the hospital or the bar, I’d probably have seen you at me mum’s or at school with the kids.”

“That is crazy, yeah,” Liam says softly. Crazy that Zayn was voicing his own thoughts from earlier, really. They don’t live far from each other, they would have met some time -

It falls silent again as they eat, and Liam is too aware of every movement Zayn makes, trying his best not to keep looking at him (which he fails miserably at, but Zayn doesn’t seem to mind.)

Zayn swallows before he speaks, and Liam tries not to turn his head to watch the movement of his throat. “I’m interning at the hospital. I finished pre-med a few years ago and took some time off because school was hard as shit with a baby, y’know?”

Liam nods, shifting back on the couch to listen to him. He eats as he talks, chewing between his words but Liam doesn’t mind. Liam’s own food remains forgotten on the table.

“So instead, I did some interning with my mum since I also studied psychology in school, did some work training as an emergency care assistant, like working on ambulances ‘n stuff. But me mum is retiring soon, to help me out with Sab, so I’m going back to med school.”

“That’s nice of her,” Liam says softly. He feels bad, being difficult at first about ending therapy because he didn’t know she was retiring.

Zayn nods. “She’s always been a big help with him. She was mad, ‘course, when I came home at nineteen with a pregnant girlfriend in tow, and even madder when said girlfriend decided she didn’t want him. Before he was even born too, but I asked her you know, to keep him. I wanted him from the moment she told me.”

Liam reaches out, fingers pushing back Zayn’s hair. Zayn puts his plate down, bringing his legs onto the couch as he turns towards Liam as he continues talking. Liam’s kind of envious of it, how he can talk about things so easily.

“I moved in with Niall after I came back from school, to feel some kind of independence. It’s not really true, though. Niall pays most of the bills and everything Sab has comes from other people really, especially me mum. I’m looking for a second job now, but it’s going to be difficult with everything else.”

“Why are you telling me all of this?” Liam says. Not that he minds, it’s just Zayn keeps looking at him as if every word is supposed to mean something to Liam, not just like he’s just trying to  tell Liam about his life.

“Want you to know more about me,” Zayn explains simply. “And I want you to see that my main focus is my son, but I still want to get to know you too.”

Usually, Liam would think he’s being judgmental but he’s got that same look as Tricia, that genuine, warm smile she always has when she’s telling something that might be hard to hear.

Liam has no idea how he hadn’t made the connection, Zayn’s got her soft features, the shape of her eyes and the curve of her mouth.

“It’s a little different,” Liam says, not unkindly.

Zayn nods. “I’m sure it is.”

“Why? Because I have to see a therapist for it?”

Zayn’s mouth falls open, eyes widening before he’s shoving Liam hard in the shoulder. “No, you arse. Because I’m Zayn and you’re Liam. We’re different, different stories. Me mum’s had that job my whole life, do you really think I’m going to be judgmental about people who need help like that?”

Liam moves closer to him, sliding his hand to cup Zayn’s knee. “I’m sorry. It’s a sore subject for me.”

“It shouldn’t be,” Zayn says quickly, sliding his hand on top of where Liam’s lies. “But we don’t have to talk about it. You don’t have to tell me anything about yourself until you want to.”

Liam nods. He finds that he wants to, wants to tell Zayn everything that’s built itself a home inside of his chest. “Eventually,” Liam says. It sounds more like a promise than he meant, and he hadn’t even meant to say it, but the smile on Zayn’s lips makes him not care.

Zayn scooches closer, moving so he’s only a few inches away. It’s nicer that way, and Liam wishes he could figure out what the fuck is going on with him so he can make it easier on Zayn, because he looks nervous – like he’s not sure what’s the right thing to do.

“I respect what you said, that you don’t want to be distracted but Li, I’d kind of like if I could still stick around. Get to know you better, and whatnot. Even just as mates, or whatever. I’ll try not to be a distraction, or at least, be one if you need it.”

He licks nervously at his bottom lip and Liam’s eyes follow it. “I don’t think I can agree to being just mates when I want to kiss you all the time.”

Zayn smiles, eyes crinkling at the corners. “Ew, gross, Papa.”

Liam chuckles, fingers tugging at that offensive button up to pull Zayn closer. “What happened to Daddy?” he teases back.

Zayn doesn’t laugh, groans instead when their lips press together. “You’ll have to get me in bed for that one, and I’m not that easy Mr. Payne. No sex on the first date.”

“S’not a date,” Liam murmurs, pushing Zayn back against the couch. Maybe a distraction, at least at the moment, would be a good thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finished it, so it's going to be three chapters. I will probably post the third one this weekend. I want to try for tomorrow, but I don't want to promise and disappoint. Please tell me what you think? ;)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I know I said this was going to be three chapters but it turned out to be a lot longer than I had expected so there's going to be one more after this. You won't have to wait as long as you did for this one because it's pretty much completely written (sorry about the wait it's been a hectic week).

“Dad, did you know Halloween is soon?”

Lily’s got her hands on the counter, pulling herself up on her tip toes. She looks expectantly at him until he nods.

“And my birthday. October twenty.”

“Best day of my life. I remember,” Liam smiles, reaching over to pat her cheek.

She sighs dramatically, looking at him with wide eyes before looking down at her feet.

“What is it, cupcake?”

“Well, I don’t want a birthday party,” she starts.

Liam’s hesitant in asking why because who knows what idea Louis has probably planted in her head, a ridiculously _expensive_ idea if the puppy eyes she is using against him is any indication.

“Sab is my only friend,” Lily states. Liam leans his elbows in front of her. The café is pretty much dead today, he’s only had about five customers since his shift started. “So can we just have a Halloween and birthday together party?”

“I’m sure you have other friends, Lil.”

“No. No one is as nice as Sab.”

Liam frowns, his heart falling into his stomach. She doesn’t look like it bothers her really, she’s not quiet and shy like when something is bothering her, but Liam kind of really hates it anyway. “What do you mean by that?”

Lily shrugs, and that’s all he gets. He hopes the new counselor can help him with that, with getting Lily to talk more about what she’s thinking about. “So can I?”

“I’m sure that’s fine, babe. I’ll talk to Zayn and we’ll plan something.”

Lily jumps excitedly. “Thanks, Papa. Can I be an Iron Princess?”

“Uh…sure.”

 

Liam can’t let it go and Lily won’t talk about it, no matter how many times he brings it up. He never pushes her when she doesn’t answer him, he’s afraid of what reaction that might cause but he just can’t stop bringing it up. He’s considered asking Tricia, but she doesn’t reveal much about what Lily says – when she does talk to her, that is.

So he meets with Mrs. Watson when he picks her up from school. Lily’s sitting at a table, and she looks happy, a smile bright on her face but she’s with Sab – just Sab. There are a few kids still lingering there, some on the carpet or at other tables.

“Well Liam, I haven’t really seen anything out of the ordinary. Those two are definitely attached at the hip, though. I can keep an eye on them, now that you’ve shared your concern with me, I can see if there is something I haven’t been noticing.”

Liam nods. That’s good. “Does she seem quiet to you? Like when you two talk?”

Mrs. Watson considers it. “She’s a bit quiet, compared to the others. But it’s nothing that I would be alarmed about. I can try to integrate her into other groups, if you’d like?”

“No,” Liam says quickly. That would probably do more damage than good if she wasn’t allowed to be with Sab. It’s not a problem, having only one friend – having a best friend like that is great, he knows with Louis, who used to (and still does) make him feel better whenever Liam had gotten upset about other kids making fun of him, or didn’t want to be his friend– he just hopes that it’s not something that’s bothering her like it bothered him.

“I will keep an eye on her. She’s doing amazing. Very smart, she is.”

“Yeah,” Liam agrees, distractedly, eyes finding Lily again. She’s practically glowing when she smiles, giggling at something Sab is drawing. Sab is smiling too, and Liam finds the same fondness in his chest that he has when he looks at his daughter. When he looks at Zayn too, when his smile makes the corner of his eyes crunch at the creases just like Sab’s are now and Liam’s starting to fall in love with it.

He sees those crinkled eyes, tongue pressed to the back of the teeth when Zayn walks over to the kids, reaching down to pat both of them on the head. He’s wearing his dark blue scrubs and that explains why he hadn’t heard from Zayn yet today.

Not that it matters, of course, but he’s kind of been texting Zayn non-stop since he left after their non-date. And _that_ feels important.

Zayn sends a soft smile when he looks over and Liam feels like a teenager, cheeks warming and his heart picking up a pace, which normally is a bad feeling but right now it’s not.

“Is that all you wanted to talk about, Mr. Payne?”

Liam looks back at her, an apologetic smile on his lips. “Yes, thank you so much.”

He feels a little bit better about the situation, but he’s still worried. Maybe he’ll have Louis talk to her too, just in case. He thinks they talk about Danielle when he’s not around – not that he minds.

“Where are you off to then?” Liam says, coming up behind Zayn. He wants to slide his fingers somewhere against his skin, but they’re in a classroom full of five and six year olds, including their own – but they seem to be in their own little world as they continue to giggle together.

“Yours,” Zayn says around a lopsided grin, raising his eyebrows. “Unless you have plans?”

“I do,” Liam says, mirroring the shape of Zayn’s lips. “Kind of want to spend time with this guy.” He shrugs.

Zayn snorts fondly, scratching his fingers lightly under Liam’s chin. “Lucky dude.”

Sab and Lily clasp hands before they wave to their teacher, running off towards the car with Liam and Zayn following quickly behind.

“Don’t go on the road!” Liam says frantically, but Lily is already stopping on the sidewalk, tugging Sab back when he tries to step on the black pavement. Lily apologizes in the wide of her eyes.

“You okay?” Zayn whispers, leaning close to his ear. He points a thumb back towards the school building. “And Lily? She’s okay, yeah?”

Liam nods, sliding his fingers through Zayn’s like their children to give it a gentle squeeze. “Lily said she doesn’t have any friends. I had to make sure you know, she wasn’t being like –“

He shrugs. Thinking it makes that pain in his chest come back, and saying it feels even worse but Zayn nods like he gets it anyway. Bullied, or shunned or whatever. It’s a familiar feeling to Liam, and he wants to make sure Lily never has to experience it. He would do anything so she’d never have to.

“She’s tough, remember?” Zayn smirks, soothing a thumb across Liam’s cheek. “She probably told all those kids to leave her alone, she’s only best friends with Sab.”

Liam pushes him with his shoulder. “Those damn Maliks.”

Zayn and Sab only stay for dinner, which Zayn brought over. Tricia had made a separate place of non-spicy chicken for Lily and Liam sneaks Zayn in the bathroom to kiss him for it. He doesn’t want them to go, he wants to know what it’s like to wake up with Zayn beside him but little steps, he reminds himself. Not giant leaps -

“Thank you for letting Sab come over,” Lily yawns, plopping herself beside Liam on his bed. She’s supposed to be asleep, but he won’t mention it. When she used to wake in the middle of the night she would crawl into bed with him and the habit didn’t stop much, just the crying did.

“He can come over anytime, Lils.”

“Yeah?” Lily says excitedly, and Liam nods. He’ll give her anything she wants, he thinks, if that smile stays there. Danielle used to tease him about it – _wrapped around her finger, you are._

It’s quiet for a long moment with Lily looking up at him, a slight tilt to her head like she’s thinking and -“D’you really kiss his Baba?”

Liam stills, mouth falling open. She’s just sitting there, a curious look on her face and hands in her lap, waiting for an answer Liam can’t find.

“Well-“ he’s going to throw up. Maybe she’ll drop the subject if he vomits. But he can’t, because he knows those brown eyes are always taking in his reaction to things.

“Kissing is gross, Papa.”

Liam snorts, pulling her onto his lap, pressing kisses to her forehead obnoxiously until she’s giggling, because it makes the tension release in his shoulders. “Would it upset you if I kissed Mr. Zayn?”

She rests against his chest, shaking her head but she doesn’t say anything. _Lily will show you._ The words play over in his head frequently, especially when the four of them are together. _Expressive with her emotions_. She’s smiling, always interacting excitedly with Zayn just as much as Sab, calm when he talks about them kissing.

Liam is just afraid maybe he’s reading those expressed emotions wrong.

“You know you’re my favorite,” Liam goes on, pressing another kiss to the top of her head. He needs her to know that, even if she’s too young to really understand yet how much he means it – she’s his world, the most important. “I don’t want to upset you with anything, so you can tell me.”

“M’not, promise. You can have two favorites, Papa. Just me more.”

Liam hums fondly. _Lily doesn’t talk about her mum much and I don’t know if that will confuse things._ His meeting with Tricia is rolling around in his mind now and she’s being open with him, so maybe he can try -

“Can I talk to you about something?”

Lily doesn’t move, just nods where she’s laying. It makes it easier this way kind of, so he can hold her. He has to inhale deeply to get past the choking feeling in his chest. He can do this.

“Do you remember when we used to go watch Mummy dance?”

He waits. It feels like a lifetime until Lily shakes her head.

“Well, I used to take you to see Mummy dancing. She used to wear the pink ballet outfit, with the frilly around the waist? Do you remember that?”

This time Lily nods. “And the black one?”

“Right. She loved dancing almost as much as she loved you. People from all over used to come watch her dance, and the place would clap so loud – you used to hate how loud it was.”

Lily giggles, fingers grabbing at his shirt.

“Prettiest woman I’ve ever seen you know, your mum was.”

“I know,” Lily sighs. “I wanna dance like her.”

Liam squeezes his arms around her, pulling her up so he can plant a kiss at the top of her head. The exhale he lets out is shaky, but he feels good – _better._ A small step, but he’s miles away from where he’s started. “We can find you some classes, if you want? So you can dance like Mummy?”

Danielle had always talked about enrolling Lily in dance classes, because Lily used to mimic her twirls and leaps every time Liam brought her to visit the studio when Danielle was practicing.

She yawns, squeezing his shirt tightly. “Yes, please. And I can be the prettiest woman like her.”

“Already are the prettiest girl,” Liam tells her. She doesn’t say anything in response, and she falls asleep not soon after, clutching Liam’s shirt and breathing evenly against his chest.

 

“Do you want to tell Mrs. Tricia what we’re going to do after we leave?” Liam prompts, running his fingers through his daughter’s hair.

Lily hums. “I’m going to take dance classes,” she tells Tricia. She eyes Liam for a second before saying, “So I can be a pretty dancer like my mum.”

Tricia’s lips waver a bit with a smile, but she keeps her face neutral. “That sounds lovely, Lily. I’m sure you’re excited?”

“Yeah, I’m trying to get Sab to join with me.”

Tricia grins this time. It’s a bit weird, knowing she’s Zayn’s mum but they only have one more session after this and maybe that’s a good thing. No conflict of interests, or something like that. Zayn had explained it to him.

(Zayn had also explained that Tricia had kept her maiden name for her practice – something about already having a pretty prestigious reputation under it, which is why he hadn’t known. And Liam thinks maybe he likes talking to her a little more now, because those eyes have become comforting in more ways than one.)

And he was going to miss Tricia, but she had been right – Lily wasn’t benefiting much from their sessions, and that was something that needed to be changed. He had called the family counselor she had referred him to, and she seemed nice enough so Liam was hopeful Lily would do better with her. Or do better in general now that Liam’s managed to finally start speaking about her mother.

“I’m sure he would love it.”

Lily laughs. “See, told you Papa.”

“You sure did.”

 

He brings Danielle up a few more times, each time easier than the next until he no longer feels as if the words are choking him, and until Lily’s finally bringing her up on her own. Nothing too much, just comments like _“did Mummy like this?_ ” or _“where did Mummy get this scarf?’_ Things that Liam can answer, for the most part.

It makes him feel better when their last session with Tricia comes, more confident in the fact that maybe he has a better chance of being a good father now then he had been before, when therapy first started. He hopes so, at least.

“You are,” Zayn insists, after Liam lets his worries slip into the conversation. (Accidentally. He’s going to have to work on that because he seems to always slip up around Zayn, but it’s not so bad when Zayn seems to catch every slip with ease.)

They’re at a small restaurant, celebrating with the kids, Niall, Louis and Harry and its…nice. A small glimpse of what it would be like when everything is okay.

“I think I know that,” Liam responds, still worrying at his bottom lip. “Deep down.” Just like he knew he wanted Zayn in his life even if he thought Zayn was too much of a distraction.

“Hey Malik,” Louis starts, wagging a finger from where he sits at the other end of the table, Lily sat beside him. “This is a celebration for my best mate! Stop making him frown or I’ll –“

The rest is muffled by Lily, who reaches up and covers his mouth like she knows whatever he says is going to be rude. Which she probably does, because she’s always scolding him for his foul mouth.

Zayn gives him a shy grin, his toes reaching out to knock against Liam’s shin under the table. “We can talk about something else? I’m sorry.”

“Ignore Louis,” Liam says, glaring at Louis pointedly. Lily’s eyes go wide and she taps Louis’ side quickly, muttering something while pointing back at him. “I brought it up. And you never make me frown.” It feels silly coming out of his mouth. _Schoolboy crush_.

“Yeah?” Zayn says, scratching aimlessly at the scruff of his jaw. His eyes are bright, even though they’re in a restaurant with dull lighting, and there’s the hint of pink sweeping across his cheeks that stands out against his smooth skin. Liam wants to rest his palms against it.

“Like this,” he says, indicating the table. Harry and Niall are talking intently about something, smiles pressing high against their cheeks. Lily and Sab are giggling between him and Louis, seemingly about Louis since Lily keeps looking over her shoulder at him. And Liam – Liam’s just happy. “You didn’t have to do this.”

Zayn snorts, kicking him under the table but it’s not hard. “I did. Just to see that look on your face,” Zayn tells him, a soft grin tugging his at his lips. “I don’t know much about why you see me mum, but like, I do know if your sessions are over that means you’ve accomplished something difficult.”

Liam shrugs. “Still working on it.”

“That’s okay, too.”

Sab leans his head against Liam’s side when Lily leans over the table to say something to Harry. Liam would scold her normally, for poor table manners, but he’s a bit overwhelmed by the way that Sab’s looking up at him with a smile stretched across his lips. Warmth spreads across his chest every time he looks at the boy. He’s beautiful, with long eyelashes spreading across his cheeks, around amber colored eyes. Liam doesn’t mind the feeling – so similar to the one he holds for Lily.

“What’s up, buddy?”

“Can we get the ice cream with all the chocolate after I eat all of my nuggets?” He indicates his plate, where there is still three chicken tenders left.  

“Sabeer,” Zayn says, tone sterner than before but Liam can see the way the corner of his mouth quirks up. “I told you no.”

“But,” Sab protests, frowning at him. “Mr. Liam didn’t say no.”

Liam snorts, rubbing a hand fondly through his hair. “I’ll work on him,” he whispers, giggling quietly along with the boy.

Zayn links their fingers when they leave, hesitantly and Liam just gives him a smile – letting him know it’s okay. Niall offers to take the kids, to let them have some alone time, but Liam wants them still around. All of them.

“This is nice to see,” Louis says quietly when Liam makes them drinks in his kitchen, leaning against the counter and watching him. “You’re glowing, mate. Haven’t seen that since Lily was born.”

“I feel okay,” Liam tells him, handing him glasses. “Well, I mean, I have more hope that I’m going to be okay.”

“Good,” Louis says. “I told you so.”

“Always ruining it,” Liam snorts, shoving him in the shoulder before they go back out to join the rest of them. He sits on the couch between Sab and Lily, both whom slide onto his lap even though they barely fit there together.

The boys stay after the kids fall asleep, everyone curling on the living room floor in a mess of every blanket in the house, Liam’s and the ones Louis left behind. Lily curls next to Niall, Sab pressed to Louis’ side, Zayn’s fingers skating up Liam’s back.

Liam’s not sure why it feels so important, this moment surrounded by all of them. He feels so overwhelmed but its good, like he can’t wrap his head around how he got to be so fortunate.

And he cries about it actually, quietly blaming the alcohol in his system even though he’s only had two beers. And Zayn’s there, wiping his tears away and kisses him in a way that is supposed to be gentle, but isn’t for long. It quickly becomes rougher, Zayn pulling him into the bedroom and pressing him into the mattress before swallowing him down – and it’s perfect.

Until he leaves, and Liam wishes he could have the courage to ask him to stay the night. _In his bed_ , though he doesn’t mind falling asleep on the carpet of his living room, Zayn close enough that Liam can reach for him in his sleep, if he needs to.

Small steps, he reminds himself. He lets Zayn and Sab around more after that, even though he doesn’t make the conscious decision to. It just kind of happens – Zayn picking up Lily from the bakery to hang out with Sab, coming over for dinner and Zayn bringing him tea before he goes off to school.

(Liam feels a bit bad though, because he thinks the kids are becoming too accustomed to sleeping on each other’s couches, but he can’t help but sneak off with Zayn as soon as they fall asleep. He blames it on the fact that he spends the whole day thinking about kissing the other man, but stopping himself because of Lily being right there.)

And the nightmares are few to none, and he doesn’t panic as much when Lily’s not around. (But he still does, he doesn’t think that will ever change – as long as it doesn’t interfere, Tricia had told him. It’s _normal_ for parents to worry.)

 

“An Iron – what?” Louis asks. Liam gives him a pleading look, telling him to change the tone of his voice so Lily doesn’t think he’s making fun of her.

“Iron Princess,” Lily says, twirling around in her Halloween costume. Louis had bought her an Iron man suit identical to the one they bought for Sab, and she’s slid one of her tutus over the waist, a plastic silver crown propped on her head with little fake jewels that shine almost as brightly as her. She’s wearing a tinge of lipstick (which is as much as Liam would allow Lottie to help her with and even that makes him a bit uneasy.)

“Well,” Louis chuckles. “You are the prettiest Iron Princess I’ve ever seen.”

Lily tilts her chin up. “I am the only Iron Princess, Uncle Lou.”

Liam snorts. They’re waiting for Zayn and Sab, and Lily’s been practically jumping around the house, eager to show the whole neighborhood Sab and her matching costumes and the candy, god she hasn’t stopped talking about the candy.

(Which Liam isn’t too excited about because cavities and she’s hard to handle when she’s got sugar running through her.)

“Still sad you can’t come out with us, tonight Payno. Niall’s got us into this high end club, something French sounding I _think_ , and I’m pretty sure I’m going to spend at least half my paycheck on like two drinks,” Louis says grimly.

“I don’t think I would even if I didn’t have Lily,” Liam jokes, getting up to answer the door when there’s a knock.

“Made to be a family man,” Louis calls after him. Liam doesn’t deny it.

“Trick or Treat.”

Liam chuckles to himself, kneeling down in front of the tiny Iron Man, whose black hair sticks out from behind his mask. “Are you here to save the day, Mr. Iron Man?”

Sab’s response is hard to understand from him giggling so much.

“I don’t have any candy,” Liam goes on. “But I have a little Iron Princess that’s been waiting for her best mate to get here.”

Zayn slides out from where he had been standing hidden to the side, planting his hand softly behind Sab’s head. “Go on beta, we’ve been found out.”

“Awe man,” Sab says, still giggling before he runs past Liam and inside.

“I was fooled until you showed up,” Liam tells him with a grin, grabbing the soft material of his zombie printed shirt, and tugging him inside.

“Dork,” Zayn grins, eyes bright with something Liam can’t name. “What’s this about you not having any candy? It’s Halloween, Liam.”

“Didn’t think I’d need it. We’ll have plenty after tonight,” Liam admits sheepishly. And no one is even going to be home to hand it out.

“Well,” Zayn says, fingers sliding against Liam’s jaw. “Good thing I brought the sweets, then.”

Liam looks down, he’s not holding anything and he frowns at the man before there’s lips pressing down on his own, and a chuckle sounding in his ears.

 

“One more road,” Zayn tells them. Sab’s feet are dragging across the pavement and Lily’s eyes are heavy but she’s determined, pulling them along for more. Their bags are bulging too and Liam can’t wait to sneak half of the bag, but knowing Lily she’d definitely notice.

“Fine,” Lily sighs, tugging on Sab’s hand as they turn down the next road.

Liam stills for a moment as his eyes slide across the road name. He’s not sure how they got there without him recognizing the way – he’s very familiar with the area and he’s done his best to avoid it over the past year.

“Okay?” Zayn asks, frowning. His fingers circle Liam’s wrist, thumb rubbing circles on the inside to be comforting and it is, really.

“Uh, yeah,” Liam says shakily. Zayn doesn’t press further, but he doesn’t let go of Liam’s wrist either.

It’s a short road, about ten houses. There’s more pressure wrapping around his lungs with every step. Only Zayn notices, keeping his eyes on them as they move further down the road. Illuminated by the street lamps, he can see the black streaking across the road, still there after a year –

“Okay, now bed,” Zayn says when the kids come back from a house two down from Liam’s old one. Liam’s too caught up in his memories, he hadn’t realized how close they had come.

_The car could be heard speeding down the road, the screech of tires and the crunch of metal. Liam stilled, frozen where he stood on the front steps, hand still in the colder November air from waving goodbye -_

“But,” Sab protests.

“We have all those!” Lily whines, pointing her finger to the rest of the road.

_It hit Danielle’s side, probably just where the door was hinged and Liam was running before he could even process the fact that Lily was on the other side. Why was that car going so fast down a residential road? Why wasn’t Danielle looking before she pulled out?_

He remembers how frequently that last thought went through his head. Danielle was always a good driver, way better at it than Liam. And he had blamed her, getting angry with her because he was just so scared.

“We’re done,” Zayn insists, voice leaving no room for argument. “I’m tired and I want to eat all your candy, now.”

“No!” They both shout, Lily looking up at Liam with pleading eyes. _Round with terror, and Liam tries to assure her, she’s okay, Papa’s got you – but she can’t hear him through the thin glass separating them._

“Papa?” Lily goes on, tugging at the hem of his shirt. “Papa?”

That same jolt, that rush of adrenaline from that morning, hits him and he gasps, reaching out for her. There’s no fear in her eyes, though now she’s frowning at him. She’s okay – fine, she’s okay.

“I’m sorry love,” he responds quickly, hoping she hears how truly sorry he is in his voice. “What did you say?”

Lily repeats herself, still frowning at him. “Mr. Zayn says he’s going to eat all of our candy. And he says it’s time to go home.” She crosses her arms, pouting.

“I’ll let him eat if you don’t listen,” Liam tells her. He bends down, pressing a firm kiss to her forehead despite her protests and complaints. She’s getting tired, and it’s making her grumpy but Liam just – he just needs to feel the warmth of her skin. A sigh of the blood pumping through her veins, _life._

Liam knows Zayn is aware of there being something wrong, but he doesn’t comment on it as they walk back, just keeps a firm hand at the base of Liam’s spine. He picks up Lily when she’s too tired to walk, and Liam takes Sab’s hand when he insists he doesn’t need to be carried.

And Zayn kisses Liam goodnight like he knows, every drag of his lips telling him it’ll be okay.

_He dreams about her again that night. Smoke clogs his vision, but he can see the stain of red inking across the gray interior. “I’m sorry,” he whispers, fingers reaching out brush through locks of golds and browns. He doesn’t say it because he knows she knows. It’s the same thing she would do – he has to get Lily out first._

_The door handle opens without resistance, the straps no longer trying to keep Lily in their grasp as he tugs her out of the vehicle. “Papa’s got you,” he hums as she clings to him._

_“I know,” she whimpers, fists clenching and unclenching where they hold tightly to Liam’s shirt. They walk through the crowds of people around them – they arrived fast from the hospital just a few blocks down, but not fast enough to save her. Their shouts are muted and dulled in his ears like there’s cotton stuffed in them. All he can hear is the sound of Lily’s breathing, the rise and fall of her chest against his own, a constant reminder of ‘I’m okay, I’m okay Papa.’_

 

He’s confronted with the scent of bacon and coffee. Hunger churns through his stomach and he remembers he hadn’t eaten much the night before, having gone to bed as soon as Zayn left. It took him awhile to fall asleep, but he stayed asleep. It’s good, he thinks.

“Can I wake him?” A soft, boyish voice floats through the room. It’s close enough that Sab is probably right outside of his door, which is open because Liam hasn’t been able to sleep with the door shut since Lily started sleeping in her own room.

“Yeah, but don’t tell him about breakfast. It’s a surprise, remember?”

Liam chuckles under his breath, eyes closing when the door opens. He listens to the soft patter of feet before it stops next to his bed.

“Mr. Liam?” Sab whispers quietly. His fingers tap lightly at his shoulder.

Liam blinks an eye open. He’s leaning over him slightly, Lily standing a few feet behind him. “Lily? You look so different.”

Sab giggles, hiding his smile in the shrug of his shoulder. “Mr. Liam.” He drags it out, sounding like _Lee-yum_ and it tugs at his heart. “I’m Sabeer, remember?”

Liam rolls over with a chuckle, tickling the boy’s forehead. “Oh yeah, I think I remember.”

They tug him out of bed, leading him to the kitchen where Zayn stands in front of the oven. There’s sweat on his forehead, and his cheeks are a little red as he looks up with a sheepish smile. The smell of bacon is a little bit more like the smell of _burnt_ bacon now, and Zayn quickly goes to move the pan after he turns off the burner, embarrassment on his face.

“Still not much of a cooker,” he admits, gesturing to the plates on the counter. The eggs look a bit overcooked and the toast is just a little too black, but Liam doesn’t care. He slides an arm around Zayn’s waist, pressing his lips to the curve of his neck. Lily and Sab giggle, making ‘ew’ noises behind the palms they have pressed over their lips.

“S’ perfect,” Liam mutters. His chest feels like the knot in it’s been loosened, and he can breathe, even if it’s burnt food he’s inhaling.

“Yeah?” Zayn asks, craning his neck with a quirked brow. “It’s not nice to lie in front of our children. It sets a bad example.”

Liam taps a finger underneath his chin, tilting his head to brush a kiss across his lips. “Wasn’t talking about just the food,” he murmurs.

Zayn presses his smile a little harder against Liam’s lips before pulling away, turning back to the stove quickly but Liam doesn’t miss the blush rising on his cheeks.

“I hope you don’t mind,” Zayn goes on, words a little choked sounding but Liam doesn’t mention it. “Wanted to make sure you were doing okay and Lily let me in.”

Liam turns to Lily, who’s trying to use those innocent, wide eyes against him again because she knows better than to open the door without asking him first. “It’s just Mr. Zayn, Papa.”

“I already scolded her about opening the door by herself,” Zayn tells him, resting a hand on his shoulder. He tenses, teeth nipping into his bottom lip. “I mean, I hope that’s okay? I don’t want to like, overstep my place.”

Liam nods, a smile on his lips. His chest is going to break open if his heart keeps trying to expand like this.

“You sure you’re okay?” Zayn says quietly once the kids scurry off. He scrapes his lips across Liam’s jaw, stopping at the hinge before nipping gently, hands resting on Liam’s hips. “Seemed a little off last night.”

Liam slides his hands to cup Zayn’s throat. “Mhm,” he hums when their lips press together. He kisses him harder this time, without the kids there he feels more comfortable in doing so. Lily seems fine with them so far, but he doesn’t want to expose her to too much, especially before they get a chance to talk about it – or before Zayn and him even decide what this _is._

Zayn chuckles when he pulls away, hands moving to running up Liam’s chest. “I’m trying to be romantic but if you keep kissing me like that I’m going to have to take you to bed.”

“Can’t,” Liam chuckles. “Got tiny ears listening.”

“You have to work on being quiet then, Li, because they’ll be around for a while,” Zayn jokes, kissing him again quickly.

“I hope you’ll be,” Liam says under his breath when his lips ghost past Zayn’s cheek.

“I will,” Zayn breathes, looking up at him from behind long eyelashes. Maybe he’s already found Liam’s weak spot like Lily has, with that puppy look of hers. “Those damn Paynes, just rope you right in. Make you want to stay around awhile.”

His cooking ends up getting thrown away, even though Liam insists they can still eat it. Zayn’s adamant, though, blushing to his hairline with embarrassment when he’s dragging them out to the diner down the road for pancakes.

Liam invites him to Lily’s ballet practice, which he had taken the day off of work for. He’s nervous, but he can’t really figure out why.

She’s not really paying attention, instead jumping around and whisper giggling with the other girls around her. When she does pay attention, her eyes are locked on the dance teacher and she tries to do as instructed, earning encouragement from the teacher but she’s still frowning, hands on her hips above the tutu. Liam snorts fondly watching her, she’s so much like Danielle.

He remembers how much time she used to spend dancing, and how distracted she would be when she was troubled by it – when there was a move she couldn’t quite get, a routine she was having difficulty with, or other things Liam never really understood but he _tried_. That same frown Lily wears would be set on her face and they fought sometimes, when Danielle was too frustrated and Liam was too selfish – couldn’t understand why she never wanted to spend time with _him,_ even though he knew how much important an upcoming recital was to her.

And Lily’s beautiful just like her mum, even though she’s not doing much dancing. She holds her shoulders back, chest pressed high like her teacher taught even when she messes up, her curls flying around as she twirls around because they refused to stay in the bun Zayn had pulled her hair into the moment she started moving.

Liam’s aware of Zayn watching him instead of Lily throughout the hour, but he can’t seem to tear his eyes away from his daughter. Zayn doesn’t seem to mind. There’s always a smile when Liam glances over. Sab’s tired, sighing and leaning into Liam’s side asking when they’re going to go –

“Lily’s really excited,” Liam whispers when he leans down to his level. “Do you think she’s doing a good job?”

Sab nods seriously. “She’s the best dancer, I know.”

Liam bites on his tongue to keep from laughing. “Me too.”

Zayn reaches over Sab, scratching his fingers at the back of Liam’s neck, a bitten smile on his lips when he watches them.

 

Tricia taps on her computer, pulling up an excel sheet before showing him. They’ve done this many times before, it’s a collection of the numbers from the assessments Liam takes before the first meeting of each week. He understands what she says when he talks about the progress he’s made, but it always makes his breath catch when he actually sees the line graph sinking down farther and farther.

“You should be really proud Liam,” Tricia says with an earnest smile. “I am very proud of you.”

Liam nods a thank you. He wishes Lily were here with him, but she’s off with Zayn because this session is just for the two of them. The follow up – to see if Liam still needs treatment for PTSD. The graphs she shows him indicate he doesn’t –

And he feels okay with that. Proud of himself.

“It is my professional opinion that we no longer need to meet, but I would like to hear how you feel about that. And what your concerns are, if you have any.”

Liam nods, wiping his palms across his jeans. He doesn’t feel quite as panicked as he did when Tricia first told them they were going to be ending their sessions. “I’m scared,” he says honestly, words coming easy. “But um, what parent isn’t, right?”

Tricia laughs with him as he continues.

“I’ve been thinking about how scared Danielle was, when we first had Lily,” he goes on. “And how well she did even though she was scared. It’s just hard sometimes, I guess to like, I dunno? Apply that to myself? Like my fear tells me I’m going to be bad at it, even though I think maybe I’m not actually that bad of a father? And I’m feeling like maybe the new counselor will help me?”

“Help you,” Tricia starts, prompting him to continue.

“Know what Lily needs and be able to do or be whatever it is for her.”

Tricia nods, a smile on his face that reminds him so much of Sab when Liam compliments his drawings, or ruffles the hair at the top of his head.

“You’re a very strong person, Liam. You’re just very stubborn at letting yourself know it,” she says, not unkindly. “I wish you luck in your journey through this.”

“Thank you,” Liam says. He kind of feels like crying, but he’s not sure why. “I hope you enjoy your retirement.”

“I will see you soon, yes?”

And when Liam nods, she follows up with, “I know Lily is not a fan of anything spicy, but is there anything she’s allergic to?”

“Ah, no,” Liam says cautiously. She doesn’t elaborate, instead wishes him a good day.

 

Liam finds out the reason to Tricia’s a week later, from a nervous looking Zayn whose refuses to look him in the face when he speaks, instead watching where his hands rest on Liam’s bare chest.

They’re in the shower too, Liam’s fingers working the shampoo through Zayn’s soft hair.

“So um, my mum –“

Liam pauses the movement of his fingers, looking down at him. Of all the topics he could bring up when they’re pressed wet and naked against each other.

“She like, wanted to know if you guys would join us for um, dinner? Like, next Friday?”

Liam moves his fingers again. “Would that be weird?” He asks instead of responding. “Because, well, you know.”

Zayn shrugs, eyes flicking up to his face before his hands slide to his abdomen. Liam turns them, letting the rush of water wash out the soap in Zayn’s hair. “She knows you as her client. I’d kind of like –“

He pauses, teeth chewing against his lower lip. Liam tilts his head, waiting. “You know, introduce you as my um.” Zayn’s eyes flick towards him again and he exhales like it’s hard to say the word, but Liam thinks he already knows what it is and he can’t breathe either – “Boyfriend.”

“Boyfriend,” Liam repeats. They haven’t talked about it, at all, even though it basically feels that way. Liam hasn’t been in a new relationship in a long time, but he remembers the fast heart, the want and need to be around each other all the time, everything he feels when he’s with Zayn he remembers feeling with Danielle, except it’s different – so different.

Danielle and him were fun, sneaking around, rolling around with each other. Their relationship didn’t work with serious, Liam hadn’t thought about his future and it being with Danielle, and when they were forced to that’s when their relationship fell apart. They loved each other but they weren’t in love, they were together because they were both in love with _Lily_.

And he’s not in love with Zayn, but every moment with him feels like another step towards that feeling -

“Is that okay? Like, I want you to be, Li. To be you and me, us, like together. If you don’t want to, that’s – that’s fine. I told you I still want to be around.” Zayn gives him a lopsided smile. “And I mean that, yeah? But it feels important to tell you how I feel, and it’s important for you to tell me how you feel, too.”

“Boyfriend,” Liam repeats around a grin, moving Zayn so his back presses to the wet tile of the shower wall.

Zayn groans. “Yeah, man. Can you please just say something else other than that? I’m starting to feel stupid.”

Liam shakes his head with a laugh. He doesn’t say anything else like Zayn asks, instead kisses him. _Boyfriend._

Zayn chuckles against his lips. “Liam,” he whines, tickling his fingers down Liam’s side. The water is warm, soothing down his back but Zayn’s warmer, flushed to the front of him. “Just this one time, I’m going to push you into answering me or just fuck, I dunno, tell me what you’re thinking?”

Liam pulls his head back, really taking in Zayn’s expression. He’s right, Zayn never pushes him for an answer about what he’s thinking and feeling and right now Zayn looks so vulnerable. “I would like that, babe. I would like if you introduced me to your mum as your boyfriend. And right now, I’d like to celebrate and we can discuss the details later?”

Zayn bites around a smile that brightens his whole face and Liam feels like he’s running towards falling in love instead of taking small steps. “Yeah? How do you want to celebrate?”

“Let me show you?”

The brightness in Zayn’s eyes darkens when he nods.

“Come on then, and turn around for me.”

Zayn groans. “Shower sex is so impractical, Liam. It’s unsafe –“ But he turns around anyway, resting his forearms on the wall.

Liam chuckles, moving his lips along the wet skin of his shoulder, biting where it dips right before his neck and Zayn groans again, pushing his hips back against Liam.

It is impractical, and it takes Liam a while to stretch Zayn because of the water running over them, even when they move to the side of the shower the shower head can’t reach, washing away the lube Liam ran through the house naked in search for –

But it’s fucking good when he slides in, pressing deep into Zayn so his front pushes against the tile wall. Liam moves his lips across his shoulders, praising how good he feels until Zayn begs him to get the fuck on with it –

“Yeah?” Liam says, snapping his hips forward so Zayn pushes farther against the wall. Maybe it is unsafe, because Zayn’s head hits the wall a bit too hard and it isn’t exactly a soft mattress but tile made out of whatever the fuck tile is made out of. Liam just knows it’s _hard_.

“Yeah, Liam, fuck,” Zayn moans. Liam loves when Zayn’s loud like him, when he can’t talk dirty to Liam. Liam loves that he’s the reason Zayn gets like that.

He slides his hand up Zayn’s front, pressing him into his chest when he steps back, dipping his hips to fuck into him at a different angle. Zayn’s back arches, head leaning back onto Liam’s shoulder. Liam’s other hand keeps slipping from Zayn’s thigh where he’s trying to keep Zayn flushed to his chest.

He groans in frustration, kissing the side of Zayn’s neck when he slips out again. Zayn huffs out a breath like he’s going to say something, but Liam’s stepping out of the shower, dragging Zayn with him.

Those amber eyes are blown wide, cock erect and flushed between Zayn’s legs when he moves back towards Liam, a smug grin on his face like _I told you so_.

“Sink,” is all Liam says before he’s grabbing Zayn’s hips and lifting. Zayn gasps when he gets it, hands pressing into the granite to help lift himself onto it.

“Still unsafe,” Zayn informs him as he wraps his thighs around Liam’s hips. He holds himself up as Liam slides back into him, watching between them to see the way Zayn stretches around him.

“C’mere,” Liam says, thrusting his hips shallowly until Zayn closes the space between them. Zayn clings to his back, Liam’s hand firm on his hips and he strokes faster, licking at the moans sliding off Zayn’s tongue.

The obscene sound of Zayn mixing with the smack of their bodies fills the room, and Liam watches the way Zayn looks in the mirror – the golden tan planes of his back, the ink swirled at the top of his neck. The way his muscles dance under his skin with every thrust.

“Look,” Liam moans, nudging his head towards the mirror. He can’t quite get more words out, because he’s so fucking close-

“Fuck,” Zayn gasps, craning his head towards the mirror. “Liam, you fucking –“

The rest is cut off with a strangled moan, Zayn clenching around his cock as the warm liquid coats their stomachs. Liam lurches with a gasp, Zayn clinging to him as his hips move faster, milking out his own orgasm.

Zayn hisses, but he keeps his hips pressing into Liam until Liam pulls out with a kiss smacked to his forehead. He looks fucked out, chest heaving as he breathes, lips parted obscenely and they’re swollen and slick.

Liam tilts his chin, kissing him again. “Boyfriend,” he says, and Zayn shoves him away from the counter with a laugh.

 

Zayn’s parents’ home is really big, and Liam stands outside on the sidewalk, looking up at the house, overwhelmed as he tries to catch his breath.

Lily holds his hand patiently beside him. She’s wearing the black peacoat Zayn bought her for an early Christmas gift, even though Liam insisted he shouldn’t have. Both of them are struggling with money and Liam had to ask Harry to take Lily shopping for Sab in return.

Zayn’s watching him again, an amused grin on his face until Liam nods, frowning because he’s nervous. “Okay, I’m ready.”

Zayn snorts, tickling his fingers under Liam’s chin before he leads the way up the driveway, Sab letting go of his hand to beat him there first. He knocks excitedly before grabbing the doorknob and pushing it open. Zayn doesn’t seem to mind that, just follows in behind.

“Sunshine,” Tricia says with a soft smile when she pulls up from kissing Sab’s forehead. She presses a kiss to Zayn’s temple and he looks shy in the gaze of his mother, innocent and young. He looks even more like Sab this way.

It’s definitely strange seeing them together, two key parts of Liam’s life that are just actually part of the same, important piece.

Liam’s craving to tell her about last week, when he had brought Lily to the visit her mother’s tombstone. He had been nervous, close to the point where he almost needed to pull Louis’ car over and be sick, but he had controlled his breathing until the feeling was gone.

And Lily had done better, sitting quietly beside him, reaching her fingers out to press against the cold stone. He didn’t know how much she understood, and Louis had mentioned that he had brought there before, followed by a string of apologies that Liam didn’t need to hear. Louis was just as important to Lily’s life as Liam, but Liam needed to be the one to bring her that day, the one year anniversary.

_“Can we just sit here, Papa? No talking?”_

Liam’s still not sure if he should have prompted her to talk about it, but he didn’t feel ready to talk about Danielle’s death, and even though he reminds himself if she needs him too, he has to – he thinks maybe that was Lily’s way of showing him what she’s ready for, and talking about Danielle’s death wasn’t one of those things.

“Liam,” Tricia says, pulling him into a hug, a teasing smile on her face. “I’m Tricia Malik. It’s nice to meet you.”

“Liam Payne,” he responds, going along with it. He pulls Lily closer. “My daughter, Lily.”

“Lily Louise Karen Payne,” Lily corrects, frowning in confusion. “Hi Mrs. Tricia.”

“Sabeer, would you please go get your Dada, he’s in his office.”

Sab nods, running off and Tricia leads them to the kitchen. It’s huge, with a stove double the size of his own, a small island in the middle and a doorway leading to what looks like the dining room. The counter is long and wide, and it’s covered in dishes of an assortment of food, enough to probably feed everyone Liam knows.

Zayn lifts Lily so she’s sitting at the island in the middle and helps her with her coat. She’s wearing a dress Liam had bought her a few months ago, but it had been too big at the time. She insisted on the ballerina tights though, with little pink shoes printed on them and Liam couldn’t say no, even if it didn’t match the emerald color of her dress.

“Your father,” Tricia starts, pointing a spoon at Zayn before mixing something that looks like soup and it’s a thick, orange red color. “Has been in that office of his all day. I’m afraid Sab is probably the only thing that can get him out.”

Zayn chuckles. He’s resting his palm against Liam’s lower back lightly like he knows Liam needs to feel grounded and Liam’s thankful because he does.

_“I’m just nervous about Lily, you know? How she might react to it?” Liam hadn’t explained more than that, but he will one day._

_“We don’t have to tell her,” Zayn replied easily. “Just be like we normally are, and then when you’re ready Liam. Like I said, no pressure – I’m going to be around anyway.”_

Liam believes it, that he’ll be around. It makes him want to tell Lily even more, but it’s not about that – it’s about her being ready for it.

Sab’s giggling hard from the hallway before his laughter is filling the room. He’s thrown over Zayn’s dad’s shoulder and wiggling wildly as he’s tickled.

Zayn’s dad is a big guy, tall with broad shoulders and a wide chest and Liam swallows even though he feels foolish for being nervous in the first place. He had been hoping Yaser would have a small frame like Zayn, less scary that way. But Liam knew he was going to feel intimidated no matter what size Zayn’s father was.

“M’boy,” Yaser says around a smile, clapping Zayn on the shoulder after he puts Sab down. Sab climbs up beside Lily on the counter. “How are you, beta?”

Liam wipes his palms along his pants as Yaser’s eyes flick to him and back to Zayn, like he’s waiting for his son to introduce him.

“Baba,” Zayn starts, pulling Liam forward with the hand on his back. His eyes are soft, reassuring. “My Liam.”

Yaser’s grip is strong when they shake hands, but not forceful or threatening. He’s smiling genuinely, the same brightness in his eyes that Liam sees in Zayn’s. “I heard a lot of things about you, nice to meet you, son.”

“You too.” Liam’s aware his voice wavers but no one mentions it. Zayn just digs his thumb into his skin a little harder.

“And who is this?” Yaser says, facing Lily. Her cheeks are flaming red and she looks just as nervous as Liam feels.

“Lily Karen Louise Payne,” she whispers, holding her hand out. “Are you Mr. Zayn’s Baba?”

Yaser looks amused when he takes her hand. “Yes I am, Miss Lily Karen Louise Payne.”

“Are you scary? Mr. Zayn told my Papa not to be scared of you.”

Liam flushes even harder and Zayn has to cup a hand over his mouth to hold in a laugh.

“I’m not scary, no. That’s my wife, I’m afraid.”

Tricia swats him with a towel, shaking her head. Zayn had said the same thing, actually. He watches Lily to see her reaction, she hadn’t talked to Tricia in their sessions much, she could be afraid of her. When Liam asked her why she didn’t talk to Tricia, Lily had said _because I don’t like when she makes you cry, Papa._

“He’s just joking,” Sab says simply, sliding his arm around Lily’s shoulders.

 

“There’s so much food,” Zayn explains as they carry dishes from the kitchen to the table. (Which is huge and Liam should have expected that.) “Well, you’ll see. People come over throughout the day and my mum is always feeding them. Like, you can’t leave unless you’ve eaten something.”

He chuckles fondly, placing the plate down on the table. “So who knows how many people in my family you’re going to meet today.”

Liam presses his lips to his forehead without thinking, and he flushes, looking at Yaser when he walks into the room with another dish. Liam had heard Zayn refer to him as his boyfriend when he was on the phone with them this morning, and Yaser only gives him them an amused smile before leaving again.

 “I want to meet all of them,” he mumbles. He means it, even if it makes nerves garble around in his stomach.

“My sister will be here,” Zayn says, holding his hip. “Safaa, she still lives at home. Wali might come by, but Doniya lives kind of far. She called me today to yell at me about not telling her about this, um dinner, in time for her to make plans to come.”

He talks about them with the same look on his face when he talks about Sab, _love_. It makes Liam’s chest swell, and he presses his lips to Zayn’s briefly because he can’t help it. Zayn grins, wiggling his eyebrows.

Safaa’s quiet, soft spoken, and a lot like Zayn when he retreats into himself sometimes. Her eyes are rounder than Zayn’s, and the round of her cheeks reminds him of Sab. She doesn’t complain when Zayn ruffles her hair, instead wraps her arms around him in a hug like they haven’t seen each other in years. They’re close, Liam remembers Zayn telling him and it’s obvious, in the fond smile he gives her and the way Sab clings to her leg.

Lily attaches to her, insisting on sitting beside her when they finally sit down for dinner (Liam’s stomach is growling in anticipation because everything _looks so good_.) And she insists it’s okay when Liam apologizes.

“She’s cute,” Safaa tells him. “Looks a lot like you.”

“Hey,” Zayn warns, but he’s smiling.

Safaa rolls her eyes. “Didn’t it mean it like that, Zaynie. The only difference is the curls.”

“They are my mum’s,” Lily adds conversationally. “I’m a little part of her and a little part of Papa.”

Liam watches her, that tight feeling in his throat again. Danielle used to tell her that all the time, telling her each part of her face that was Liam’s, and that was Danielle’s. There was little Liam in her face, just in the shape of the eyes, but they’re a darker brown than his. Her hair was lighter like Liam’s at first, but now it’s starting to darken like Danielle’s, and her smooth skin is more like Danielle’s than his own, but he thinks maybe her smile is like his, and maybe she’ll have his cheekbones.

He can’t help the way he turns to Tricia, whose giving him a soft knowing smile. It makes his chest hurt. But in a good way, he feels proud – happy. Zayn digs his fingers into Liam’s thigh. They haven’t talked about Danielle yet, but somehow he always knows he needs comfort when she’s mentioned.

“Well they’re very pretty,” Safaa compliments and Lily beams up at her.

“Thank you very much.”

Zayn hadn’t been lying, about how many people would come by. Liam’s finished his dinner, and somehow the table is full with people just starting to eat, some half way through. It’s louder now, people talking over excitedly and it’s nice. Liam’s family is much smaller, just his sisters, their husbands and his parents, so he’s not used to it but he loves it.

“So this is the one?” One of Zayn’s cousins asks. Jawaad, Liam thinks. He points a finger at Liam, smiling to Zayn.

“The one?” Zayn repeats like he doesn’t understand. He grabs his glass of wine, frowning at his cousin.

“Boyfriend,” Jawaad clarifies, nose crinkling when he laughs.

“They kiss,” Sab responds from next to Zayn, fingers reaching out to take a piece of bread off of his plate and plopping it into his mouth. Lily’s not paying attention, now talking to Zayn’s other sister who had arrived with Jawaad. Waliyha – who looks the most like Zayn than any of the others do.

“They better not,” Yaser says, voice deep with warning. Sab giggles and Liam lets out a nervous chuckle trying to hide the fact that he made his fucking heart race. “That’s gross.”

“There must be something special about you then,” Jawaad goes on over Sab’s agreement. “Haven’t seen this one date in forever.”

He eyes Zayn’s face, which stays neutral. Zayn never presses him with questions, so he’s not going to either.

“It’s his daughter,” Zayn jokes back easily. Liam doesn’t miss the way Zayn’s eyes flicker towards her and the expression he wears reveals that his words aren’t really a joke after all.

 

They’re on the sofa, the only light in the room flickering from the television and the hallway on the other side. Yaser is reading to Lily and Sab, who sit on his lap in the big chair beside the sofa. Zayn’s snoring softly, cheek pressed to Liam’s shoulders. He smells like the wine from dinner, and the cigarette he snuck out back to have afterwards. Liam’s full, stomach bulging out because Tricia insisted on him having another slice of pie –

Tricia sits beside him, the light from the television making her face glow more than it already is when she looks at Zayn, cuddled to Liam’s side. There’s a dark piece of fabric in her hands, folded nicely. “You left this in the dining room,” she tells him, eyes sparkling. “Wanted to make sure you didn’t lose it.”

Liam nods a thank you, taking the soft material into his hands. It’s so routine now, waiting for Lily to pick a scarf out for him while she gets dressed in the morning. He’s gotten so used to the heavy feeling in his back pocket.

Tricia paths his cheek with a warm smile and he says thank you again. It’s for more than just the scarf, but everything, and he hopes she knows how grateful he is for her helping him walk all that distance.

The smile she gives him when says, “you’re welcome” tells him that she does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tell me what you think please?


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter and epilogue at the bottom. I am so attached to this story I didn't want to post it because that means it would be over :(

They are up to something, Louis and Lily, but Liam can’t figure out what it is. Lily’s not the best partner in crime, because she’s always giggling and giving Louis knowing looks. And she whispers too loud, unaware that Liam can hear most of what she’s saying _. “I’m so excited to show Papa his surprise.”_

“Is this about Christmas?” Liam insists before Louis leaves to go out for his birthday. They had spent the day together, all of them, making cookies and decorating and wrapping the presents for Louis and Harry’s families, Sab and Lily exchanging gifts. “You didn’t spend money on me, did you Lou? You know I said –“

Louis shakes his head, clapping Liam hard on the shoulder. “Don’t worry about it, Payno. And don’t ask Lily again, she can’t keep a secret for long. And I’m actually really excited about this, so don’t ruin it.”

Liam eyes him warily, but doesn’t press for more because Louis’ expression tells him he is serious. Liam’s only gift for Louis this year was a promise that he would go out with them all later in the week to celebrate his birthday and Christmas, whereas Louis liked to spend money.

He brings an excited Lily to bed, tucking her in with the Christmas music from the radio playing softly before he tugs out the presents from Santa in his closet.

She wakes him earlier than normal, jumping on the bed with a smile breaking against her cheeks, insisting he get up because _“Papa, wait until you see how many presents-“_

He lets her open the stocking first, full of nonsensical things like candy and pretend make up and those tiny animal toys that she likes to play with, as he puts the coffee on and replies to the text message he fell asleep to.

There’s a knock on the door, and Liam shuffles out of the kitchen, warning Lily not to open anymore until he’s there. She’s leaves the presents though, running towards the door and leaping towards the handle before he can get to it.

Liam’s not sure what he expects to find behind the door since he knows Lou and Harry are probably still sleeping, and they’ve planned to go to the Tomlinson house for Christmas, and Zayn – well, Zayn and him had plans for tonight with the kids.

Whatever it was, it wasn’t his mum, who has tears already in her eyes and a smile pressed high on her worn cheeks. His dad is there too, a hand clapped to his mum’s shoulders. Lily’s the first one to react, jumping up and reaching out for Karen, while Liam stands there holding the door, mouth parted slightly in surprise.

“My boy,” Geoff greets, pressing a kiss to his forehead and pulling him out of his shock. “Happy Christmas.”

“Pop,” Liam says a bit choked. He hasn’t had time to see them since he’s moved out of their house, and even though Louis would let him borrow the car to go see him if he asked, he couldn’t afford to – even just for the one day of Christmas. Apparently, bills seemed to prefer to come when you needed money the most for other things.

“Hello love.” Karen cups his face, pressing a kiss to his cheek before she walks in, pulling a crate of presents behind her. “Is that coffee I smell?” She narrows his eyes at him playfully because Liam hasn’t ever been the type to drink coffee, but he’s gotten pretty attached to the smell of it.

“Surprise!” Lily yells, grabbing Liam’s arm, tugging him down. “Happy Christmas, Papa!”

He kneels in front of her, kissing her cheek, but the excitement dies from her face and she frowns at him, grabbing his cheeks. “You’re sad? You told Mr. Zayn you were sad you couldn’t see Grammy and Gramp for Christmas so I thought -”

He chuckles, shaking his head. “No. I am happy. Sometimes when people are really happy they cry.” She looks as if she doesn’t believe him. “I promise, Lil. I’m happy, very happy that you and Uncle Lou did this for me.”

“You always make me happy, Papa. Gotta make you happy too.”

“You always do,” Liam promises, kissing her one more time. Maybe when she’s older, she’ll understand just how much. “Now let’s go open those presents.”

Lily’s absolutely spoiled this year. Liam can hardly see her where she’s sat behind the pile of presents. Ruth had bought her a bicycle, which his father had brought up while Lily was opening gifts, and between Louis and Harry – Liam’s pretty sure Lily has enough clothes to get her through the next two years. And the toys, they’re going to have to get another room extended on the house just to fit them.

She’s folding the scarves Liam bought for her, the gold bear in the black ballet suit sitting in her lap as she hums along to the Christmas music Karen put on. He snaps a photo, sending it to Zayn. He knows it means _something_ , that the first thing he thinks about in this moment is sharing his happiness with the other man, but he’ll think about that later.

“Can I call Sab, Papa?” Lily asks as she tucks the scarves back into a box. “And tell him thank you for the coloring books?”

She climbs onto his lap when he hands her the phone, showing her how to dial Zayn’s phone number, careful not to let her see his passcode or she’ll call him nonstop.  

“Hi Mr. Zayn, S’Lily.”

Karen looks up curiously then, smiling around the lip of her coffee mug.

Zayn’s response is muffled, but Liam can make out the happy tilt in his voice. “Happy Christmas. Thank you for the presents. Can I talk to Sab?”

Zayn says something, and Liam distinctively hears _Papa_ and Lily giggles, eyeing him. “Yeah, he cried.”

Liam frowns at her, tickling her side and she leaps off, running back to the tree, yelling into the phone “Happy Christmas, Sabeer!”

“Friend?” Karen asks, sitting beside him. She keeps her eyes on Lily as she talks excitedly to Sab.

He nods. “ _Best_ friend, she’ll correct you,” he says with a laugh.

“Invite him over so we can meet him.”

It’s in the way that Karen says it, with a knowing grin and like her words hold some secret that he groans, throwing his head back on the couch.

“Your lovely Louis,” Karen starts explaining, tone filled with admiration. Louis had always been her favorite. “Might have mentioned a –“

Liam shakes his head quickly, glancing at Lily. “A Zayn,” he interrupts.

Karen tilts her head, a soft smile on her lips. “Your Louis mentioned a Zayn but your _daughter_ mentioned a boyfriend.”

Liam stares at her, letting her words sink in. He watches Lily again, _“I love you Sab, see ya later,”_ before she runs over and hands him the phone.

“Thanks Papa. Sab says thank you for the sketch books, but I told him to tell you later when he’s here.”

Liam nods. “Did you tell Grammy that Mr. Zayn is my boyfriend?”

The words come out so easily, nothing getting in their way as they soothe past his tongue. Liam knows he’s not the upmost discreet person in the world, but sometimes he can’t wrap his head around just how much Lily notices.

She looks sheepish, eyes flickering between Liam’s parents before back at him. “Yes I did. Was that bad of me?”

“No,” Liam answers quickly. “I just didn’t know you thought that.”

“Well,” she huffs out. “Uncle Lou kisses Uncle Haz and Uncle Lou says that he can do that because Uncle Haz is his boyfriend and I can’t kiss any boys because I’m never allowed to ever, have a boyfriend.” She rolls her eyes, which Liam laughs at because she definitely learned that from Louis, before finishing with, “And you kiss Mr. Zayn, Papa. So he’s your boyfriend.”

Karen chuckles softly, pressing her face against Liam’s shoulders to muffle her laughter.  

“I um,” Liam starts, trying not to laugh himself. “Uncle Lou was right, no kissing boys.”

“I know, Papa,” Lily says sternly, face turning serious. “Kissing is _gross_.”

 

His parents tell him they’re staying two days, and even though Louis had booked them a hotel, Liam insists they stay at his apartment. He makes up his bedroom for them, and Lily ends up dragging her sleeping bag out to the living room to join the bed he makes up for himself on the couch because it’s like camping or something, Liam’s not quite sure, but she’s excited about it.

But it ends up becoming more of a sleepover when Zayn calls him, nervous, before Liam’s about to call _him_ to cancel their plans for the night, to tell him that Louis has just informed him of a reservation at some fancy restaurant out of town, that apparently Karen is in on, because she had already agreed to watch Lily and Sabeer.  

“I just want to meet them,” Karen says quietly, helping Liam with his tie after he tries, and fails, not to look accusing. “Louis says you’re doing so well, my love. You and Lily.”

“I’m doing well because of myself, mum,” Liam says, a bit harsher than he means to. And it’s not the absolute truth – he’s better than he was because of himself and Tricia, but Zayn and Sab make him happy. And he knows they helped, but he’s proud of what _he’s_ done.

Karen gives him a soft smile, pressing her palm to his cheek. “I know, Liam. And your father and I are so, so proud of you, we always told you that you were our strongest little superhero.”

Liam snorts and he hopes Karen doesn’t say anything like that when Zayn picks him up, but he needed to hear it at the moment.

Her lips waver before she goes on, like she’s about to cry, but she doesn’t. “I would have given anything to take your pain away, my love. It was frustrating because I couldn’t, and as your mum that’s my job. And if it’s not me that can, I’d like to meet the people who can.”

“It had nothing to do with you mum,” Liam whispers, eyes falling to the floor. He hates that she feels that way.

“Oh, I know that,” she assures him. “It doesn’t make it any easier, though.”

Liam nods, he understands. He really does. He’s spent nearly a year afraid that he couldn’t be everything Lily needs.  

He’s still nervous though, about his parents meeting Zayn. And so is Zayn, when he stands in his doorway with a flush high on his cheeks and hair a bit messy, though it looked like he had put effort into styling it like he does sometimes but he couldn’t stop running his fingers through it. Liam wants to kiss him, right here in the entry way because he’s got that black button up on again, and he’s let his scruff grow out in a way Liam loves.

“It’s very nice to meet you, Zayn –“

“Malik, ma’m,” Zayn replies with a nervous nod of his head, taking Karen’s hand into his own.

“Take good care of my boy, tonight. We’ll take good care of yours,” Geoff promises after he shakes Zayn’s hand. Geoff’s not nearly as frightening as Yaser, but Liam’s a bit biased since he’s seen that man cry over puppy commercials before.

Sab’s standing behind Zayn’s legs, looking up at them with round eyes when Karen reaches out for him. “C’mon love, do you like hot chocolate? With marshmallows?”

Sab looks up at Liam who nods encouragingly before he takes Karen’s hand and follows her to the kitchen, where Lily’s most likely got chocolate powder covering the room.

The drive outside of town doesn’t seem as long as it is with Zayn beside him, telling stories while Liam listens. Liam could listen to him talk for hours, he thinks. There’s something soothing about the thick drawl of his accent and Liam’s a bit in love with the way his shoulders shrug constantly as he talks, and his cheeks push high, making his eyes squint some.

“He’s always been quite quiet, y’know,” Zayn goes on. “Like me, he just likes to sit in his room and color or like, look at pictures in books and he’s just…gentle. Used to pet my hair whenever we’d take a kip ‘cause I always do that to him. Never stops laughing and half the time I don’t even know what he’s laughing at.”

“He’s amazing,” Liam adds, genuinely.

“Yeah,” Zayn says so softly it almost hurts. Liam can see the wet of his eyes even though Zayn hasn’t looked away from the road.

“What is it?” Liam asks, soothing a hand against his leg, a silent assurance.

“Nothing,” Zayn chuckles wetly at himself. “I just never thought, like, I never thought anyone would look at Sab the way I do, even though I mean, how could they not? But I been thinking about it a lot lately because,” He chuckles again, glancing at Liam quickly. “Because like, you do.”

Liam doesn’t respond at first, because he doesn’t know what a good response would be to that, what could sum up how fond he is of the boy. “I like him more than you,” he says softly with a grin.

Zayn doesn’t laugh, and for a moment Liam panics thinking he had chosen the wrong response. It’s teasing, but the words always mean so much to him when Zayn says them.

“I love you for it.”

It hangs heavy in the air and Liam squeezes Zayn’s thigh the same way those words squeeze at his chest.

“Oh,” Zayn gasps like he realized what he had said. He turns the volume of the radio up. And Liam’s not sure if it’s because of the song or because he doesn’t want him to respond.

When they finally get to the restaurant, Zayn is out of the car before the engine is even off. Liam reaches for the door handle to go after him, to make sure nothing bad just happened between them because it didn’t feel that way. (It felt like maybe Zayn thought so with the tension in his jaw and the nervous glances he kept sending Liam throughout the rest of the drive.) But the door is yanked open before he can, and that smaller frame is filling his lap, pressing him into the cloth seat. 

Zayn kisses him roughly, pulling a gasp from Liam’s lips before working his tongue against them. His eyes are wide when he pulls back, lips swollen and slick and Liam leans forward to chase them.

“Liam.” Zayn’s voice shakes. “I didn’t mean like – I do, I really care about you, but it just slipped out.”

“It’s okay,” Liam assures, drawing circles at his hips with his thumbs. Zayn worries at his bottom lip and he reaches to pull it away from his teeth to murmur against his lips. “It’s okay, really.”

Zayn rests their foreheads together, breath cascading against Liam’s lips. He smells like those peppermint candy canes Sab insisted on buying yesterday. “I don’t want to go into this posh place. I want to sit here and make out with you like we’re school kids.”

“After dinner, I promise,” Liam chuckles. Louis is the type to have someone on the look out to see if he actually came or not.

“Okay,” Zayn drags out with a grin, smacking their lips together. “Deal.”

Liam doesn’t get to stay true to his promise though, because half way through dinner, Zayn’s got a hand on his wrist, dragging him off to the men’s room. He feels a bit like a rebellious teen, in this fancy restaurant with people wearing watches more expensive than all of the things he owns together, while his fingers are tugging at the zipper of Zayn’s jeans in a bathroom that smells like vanilla and there’s classical holiday music playing quietly around them.

It’s Zayn’s fault, really, because his teasing made Liam’s cheeks flush because he swears half of it was loud enough for the lady with blue tinted white hair at the table beside them to hear. And his cock was straining painfully hard against his dress pants by the time Zayn had suggested, _“might have to take you in the bathroom and see if you can be quiet with your cock down my throat.”_

Zayn’s slender fingers are urgent as they tug at the waistband of his pants, but he’s careful to make sure Liam’s scarf doesn’t fly out of the pocket when they pool at his feet. There’s no teasing like there normally is when Zayn gets a hand around him, pumping to soothe the precome down his cock. Maybe it’s because they could get caught at any moment, but Liam doesn’t care what the reason is, he’s just thankful for the way Zayn’s warm mouth envelopes him.

Zayn pinches his thigh when he moans, warning him to be quiet. Liam clasps a hand over his lips but the muffled sounds still seem loud in the quiet room. Even if Liam didn’t make a sound, there’s still the obscene wet sound of Zayn sinking on his cock, and the way he breathes heavily when he sinks further.

“Liam,” Zayn groans low in his throat when he pulls off, his hand working at his cock lazily. “Fuck, be quiet, babe.”

Liam nods with an apology but it’s not like he has any control over it.

But Zayn must not really intend for him to be quiet when he runs a spit slicked finger past his balls. Everyone in the whole fucking restaurant can probably hear the moan he lets out then, when Zayn’s finger rolls past his hole. Zayn chuckles, biting his hip before lips wrap around the tip, and he’s looking up at Liam through those eyelashes smugly.

Liam drags his fingers through Zayn’s longer hair, urging his head farther. Zayn groans, finger pushing in when Liam hits the back of his throat again. He unhinges his jaw, relaxes around him as Liam grinds against his lips.

“Gonna stretch me so you can fuck me tonight, babe?” Liam groans when Zayn fucks him shallowly with a finger. He wants to be as smug as Zayn looks, but it comes out desperate instead. Zayn moans, with a nod, pressing another finger against Liam.

He pulls off without a warning, fingers still scissoring and stretching him. He stands, pulling one of Liam’s thighs up with him and pressing him into the hard door to keep him balanced. It’s always surprised Liam how strong Zayn is, even though his arms are thin, the muscles wiry.

“Really?” Zayn breathes, lips hovering over Liam’s. His fingers nudge against that bundle of nerves and Liam’s keening, fucking down onto his hand for more. “ _’Gonna stretch me so you can fuck me tonight, babe?’_ That’s how you want to play this?”

Liam lets out a breathless laugh, teeth digging into his lower lip instead of responding. There’s something dark in Zayn’s eyes when he says it, his tone is teasing and arousal pinpricks deep in his stomach.  

There’s a third finger pressing against him when Zayn’s lips find his again, muffling the noises he lets out but hardly. A groan rumbles in Zayn’s throat when Liam bites harshly at his lips, trembling from the way his fingers grind against his prostate.

He’s just about to tell Zayn he’s ready if Zayn’s planning to make good on his promise now, when the sounds of the restaurant are louder, clearer, signaling the door opening. They both still immediately, Zayn’s eyes wide before his face presses against Liam’s chest and his body rocks with laughter.

He drops Liam’s leg, pulling his jeans up and pressing a kiss to Liam’s forehead. “Let’s do a little more than make out in the car,” he breathes when his lips scrape against the lobe of Liam’s ear.

It’s rushed, the way Liam grabs Zayn’s wrist and tugs him out, adrenaline coursing through them. Liam might kiss Louis on the mouth for paying for their dinner so he doesn’t have to sit back at the table at the state he’s in. He’s sure he looks wrecked, sweat coats his skin and his cock looks obscene against the tight of his pants.

Zayn flattens against Liam’s back when he reaches for the handle of the door, pressing open mouth kisses to the back of Liam’s neck with a groan.

It’s awkward when Zayn tugs him in the back, sliding behind the driver’s seat. It’s hard to get their pants off in the small confines of the car, struggling out of their coats, but they manage it, and Liam wastes no time in straddling Zayn’s thighs, before the man has fully kicked off his pants.

“Liam,” he moans, pressing his lips to Liam’s chest as he grabs hips. Liam doesn’t think he’s ever been this desperate for someone, this _often_. Every time they’re together. Maybe it’s because Zayn’s so fucking beautiful, and warm.

Or maybe it’s because Liam loves him.

It stings when Zayn presses against him, letting Liam work his hips down against him until he’s sat fully down on his cock. Zayn hums against his skin, lips skating across his shoulders as he adjusts, hands moving to cup Liam’s ass before sliding back to his thighs. He always touches Liam like he can’t get enough, like he just _has_ to. Even when he’s rough, his touches feel gentle.

Liam holds the back of the seat for leverage as he pulls his hips up and works them back down, a slow unsteady rhythm until the resistance is gone and Zayn’s fingers hold his hips down and he takes over, thrusting up into Liam quickly. Liam slumps against his chest, panting embarrassingly against his shoulder. The realization, _he loves Zayn_ , is stuck at the front of his brain, making his cheeks flush more than the heat generating between their bodies.

They’re not quiet here, Liam’s moans and Zayn’s grunts filling the small space, louder than the fast smack of skin. Zayn’s gentle lips on his shoulder are a contrast to the rough strokes, his pounding against his cheeks.

Liam tries to sit up, holding himself with one arm as he cups Zayn’s face. Zayn’s hips stutter, and it’s not quite the best angle but Liam _needs_ to murmur ‘you’re beautiful’ against Zayn’s cheeks anyway. And he’s so close, it doesn’t matter.

“Fuck, you’re beautiful, Zayn,” he says, voice more shattered and desperate now. He gets a hold of himself, falling back against Zayn’s chest. _I love you for it,_ rolls around his head and he’s coming with a sharp gasp, hips stuttering down where Zayn grinds deep.

 “You are,” Zayn says firmly, voice strained. With one more stroke he’s coming too, Liam clenched around him, teeth digging into his skin, muffling the shattered groan that presses pass his lips.

Foreheads knitted together, they laugh like they’re on a high, adrenaline settling around them as they work against each other, milking out the rest of their orgasms.

“That lady definitely heard you say that thing about dinner being good, but not as quite as good as my thighs,” Liam chuckles breathlessly, taking off his button up to use his undershirt to clean themselves up. They’re gross and dirty, sticky liquid coating both of their shirts.

Zayn snorts. “Or taking your cock down my throat.”

Liam groans, smiling against Zayn’s lips. “I love you for it, too. You know,” he mutters quietly, hoping Zayn means earlier and not the part about his cock in Zayn’s throat (though he definitely loves that too.) He doesn’t want to slide off of Zayn’s lap anytime soon. His skin is flushed and warm, and the car is still a bit cold from being outside. “You’re not the only one who is in love with the way someone looks at their child.”

Zayn smiles softly, teeth digging into his lip. “Yeah?”

Liam nods, humming a “mhm” against his lips. It’s easier to say than I love you, because that feels rushed and he doesn’t want Zayn to think he’s _just saying it_. “Yeah, babe. Let’s get home and make out in front of my house like we’re afraid my parents are going to catch us.”

Zayn laughs loudly, pinching Liam’s hips. “Okay, deal.”

Geoff is still awake when he finally drags himself away from the car, Zayn’s fingers locked with his own. Zayn had clothes in trunk that they changed into, and if Geoff notices he doesn’t say anything. The light from the television is the only light on, and Liam can see two small bodies cuddled against each other beside his father.

“Did you have a good time?” Geoff asks, voice low as they come over. His fingers are rubbing against Lily’s scalp. Liam remembers how Geoff used to do that to him, when he would have nightmares.

“Yes, thank you very much,” Zayn says politely, grabbing Sab’s bag. “How was Sab?”

Liam cards his fingers gently through Sab’s hair. His lips are pouted, eyes clenched shut and Liam checks his breathing to make sure he’s not having a nightmare. He sleeps harder than Lily, who normally wraps her arms around Liam’s neck when he picks her up, but Sab is heavy despite his smaller size, and Liam holds him close to his chest.

“Sweet kid,” Geoff says as he gets the door for Liam, throwing a blanket over Sab’s sleeping form.

“Thank you. It was nice meeting you, Mr. Payne,” Zayn says, holding a hand out for him.

Geoff hugs him instead, a smile on his face and Liam thinks maybe he’s going to cry. He’s worse than his mum sometimes.

Liam belts Sab into the passenger seat, even though it’s not allowed, because Zayn insists he has to clean the back seat first with a laugh that fills the night air.

“Thank you for tonight,” Liam murmurs, cupping Zayn’s jaw once Sab’s secure in the car.

“Thank that best mate of yours,” Zayn grins, pulling Liam close to him. He’s pretty sure his dad is looking at them through the window, but he doesn’t care. They stay silent for a moment, and Liam wonders if he should say anything else, but Zayn presses a kiss to his lips, deciding for him.

There’s a twinkle in his eye when he pulls away, a grin on his lips when he says, “Have a good night, Mr. Liam.”

 

The clock blinks six when his alarm sounds, and Liam is already regretting telling Harry he could cover his shift so he could visit his parents for his birthday since he hadn’t for Christmas. It was the least Liam could do, since he had helped Louis pay for his own parents to come, and he always gives Liam time off if he needs it for Lily.

Just at the current moment, with a body that craves sleep, he regrets it.

He drags himself out of bed, shuffling over to Lily’s room to check on her. She sleeps soundly, curls sprawled across her pillow, the teddy bear she got for Christmas tucked under her arm.

When he gets out of the shower, there’s a knock on the door. He smiles, pulling up his khaki work pants. He hadn’t thought Zayn would be able to get up this early, really. Liam had found out it’s usually Niall or Tricia that brings Sab to school because Zayn’s hard to wake up.

“Hey,” Liam says, leaning against the door frame. Zayn looks cuddly, with a red beanie pulled over his head, strands of hair sticking out along the sides and a loose jumper that hangs off his shoulders. Liam’s pretty sure it’s one of his.

“Hullo,” Sab says sleepily, rubbing at his swollen eyes from where he stands next to Zayn. He’s got a blanket wrapped around his shoulders, and slippers on his feet. It’s January, Liam scolds Zayn quietly in his head.

Liam kneels, pressing a kiss to his forehead. “Wanna go curl up on the couch? Go back to sleep?”

Sab nods, dragging his feet into the living room.

“You’re the worst,” Zayn yawns, stepping over the threshold to wrap his arms around Liam’s waist. “You make me wake up at this ungodly hour and then you’re cute with my son.”

Liam smirks, brushing his lips across the corner of Zayn’s mouth. “You didn’t have to say yes,” he tells him. “But thank you.”

“Yeah, yeah. You’re lucky I like Lily,” Zayn jokes, sliding his hands up Liam’s back. Liam might have purposefully kept his shirt off before he opened the door, but he won’t admit it. “Maybe I like you a little bit too.”

“I don’t wanna go,” Liam groans, grabbing Zayn’s chin to tilt his head up. Zayn tastes like toothpaste and that now familiar taste of cigarettes when they kiss and Liam sighs into it.

Zayn slides his hands up Liam’s chest, pushing him softly away but his fingers linger there when he steps back. “But you have to,” he says, regretfully. “Make it up to you later?”

Liam groans, kissing Zayn once more before walking away to finish getting ready.

The bakery is busy, of course. Liam’s not sure he’s had to turn over items so quickly before, and it would happen on the day he’s alone, and not working his normal shift. He can’t wait to get a new job. Not that he isn’t grateful for this one or grateful for Harry, but he needs one that provides more income, anyway.

“Does this come without the nuts?” An old lady asks, pointing at one of the muffins. There’s a long line behind her and Liam’s patience is wearing thin. Something feels off today, on top of it, and he can’t put a finger on what it is.

“No, but we have –“

“Can you make some without the nuts?”

Liam tries to ease the impatience from showing in his tight smile. “No, ma’am. All we have is what you see here.”

It isn’t rude, or at least he doesn’t think it is, but the lady glares at him anyway. “Well, I guess I will go somewhere else, then.”

Liam sighs as she walks away, forcing another smile on his face before he talks to the next customer.

“Liam!”

Louis walks in, face reddened from the cold. Liam only looks up for a second, giving him a rushed smile before he turns back to the customer, who also wants Liam to create a whole new menu, apparently.

Louis comes behind the counter anyway, grabbing at the apron Harry keeps back there and tying it around his waist.

“Lou, I’m kind of busy,” Liam grits out, handing a croissant to the kid in front of him. He wanted one with chocolate chips, so Liam throws in a cookie with it. Same thing, right?

“You need to go home,” Louis says firmly, shoving him to the side. “I’ll take over. Worked here enough to handle it on my own.”

“What?” Liam says immediately, hands going to the ties of his apron. A million thoughts run through his head, and Louis doesn’t look panicked or anything but he doesn’t necessarily look calm either, maybe a bit overwhelmed and serious to the point where there’s no room for argument.

“Lily won’t come out of her room. Zayn’s a bit freaked out, mate. Called me ‘cause you weren’t answering your phone,” Louis explains with a sigh, eyes widening in concern. They’re both ignoring the customers in front of them but Liam doesn’t care. “Sounded kind of like that one time – you know.”

Liam nods, taking the keys handed to him before jogging out of the bakery. Louis doesn’t have to explain more, he know what he’s talking about.

Liam tries to keep his breathing regulated as he drives, tries not to speed through red lights just to get home faster. _Like that one time._

He remembers it clearly even though it happened when they were still at his parents’ house. It used to haunt him, sometimes mixing in with the nightmares of the crash. She had been uncontrollable. No matter what Liam could do he couldn’t get her to calm down and it had been terrifying, when she would heave out and gasp for breath like she was choking.

It was right before the silence came. It was like she had just shut down, lack of any emotion. Thankfully she had started talking after only two days, but not about her Mum, who she had been screaming for before she shut down. And they had just made so much progress with that. But those two days had been terrifying, nothing Liam had done could get Lily to start talking. He’s still not sure what had changed and why she had started again, but it hardly matters. He’s just glad she did.

This is probably what Tricia meant, to see how he can handle things without her help because he’s itching to pick up his phone and beg her to tell him what to do. Kids have uncontrollable tantrums sometimes, it’s normal. It does little to make him feel better, though.

“Where is she?” Liam asks, as soon as he’s stepping into the living room. Zayn’s hair is a mess, the beanie no longer on his head and a panicked look on his face. Sab is sniffling where he sits on the couch, hands balled into fists.

“Bedroom,” Zayn says quickly. “Locked the door.”

Liam cusses. He shouldn’t have taught her how to do that. “What happened?”

He knocks gently, pressing his ear to the door to listen for her. “Lily?” he calls softly when he doesn’t hear anything.

Zayn shrugs, dragging fingers through his hair. “Won’t say a word, Liam. She just started screaming for you and then like – I dunno, just shut down and locked herself in there when you didn’t pick up the phone.”

Liam closes his eyes, breathing deep. “Lily? It’s Papa?”

He feels the doorknob wiggling in his grip before it’s pulled open. Lily stands in front of him, looking up with wide, watery eyes before she’s jumping up and grabbing his waist, a sob leaving her lips. It’s broken and goes straight to Liam’s chest.

He picks her up, and she’s a lot heavier now than she used to be. Liam feels like he missed when she got so big. He brings her over to the bed so he can wipe at the tears streaming down her reddened cheeks.

“What is it, Lil?” He coos, smoothing his hands across her hair, thumbs wiping at her wet cheeks.

“You didn’t –“ She gasps, fingers squeezing tightly at his shirt. “You forgot, Papa!” Her voice is shrill and panicked and Liam doesn’t understand.

“What?” he says, trying to keep his face calm. But it’s difficult when her eyes are like the ones that used to force themselves into his dreams. Dreams that haven’t come in forever, but the look on her face still sends chills through him.

There’s something digging into his back where he sits, and he turns them to move it. It’s a frame, a picture of him, Danielle and Lily that usually sits on the nightstand beside her bed. It’s lying on Lily’s collection of scarves and bandanas, one of Liam’s shirts and items of Danielle and his that he had thought he had lost in the move.

“Are you okay?” Lily hiccups, surprising him. She wipes furiously at her tears before cupping his face and tugging him back so he’s looking at her again. Her breathing is coming out sharp like she’s on the edge of hyperventilating.

“I’m fine babe. I will be better if you tell me what’s wrong so I can fix it,” he assures her. “And I need you to breathe, love bug. Remember how Papa showed you?”

Lily nods, breathing in through her nose until her chest expands as much as it can before she releases it through her mouth. She does it a few times until her breathing doesn’t seem so hitched any longer.

“You forgot one of Mummy’s scarves,” she says finally, letting out one more shattered breath, voice still choked. “I was going to give you the red,” she hiccups painfully. “And black one.”

Liam hesitates, mouth falling slack. He hadn’t even realized. “I’m sorry babe. Is that why you’re upset?”

She nods furiously, eyes clenching shut. “You’re not supposed to forget it, Papa. You promised.”

God he wants to throw up, because he had promised. And it was important to him to keep that promise, even if he didn’t understand it but he _forgot_. Telling her that though seems like it wouldn’t do as much good as he wants it to.

“Can you tell me why the scarf is so important to you? Why you want Papa to have it when he leaves?”

Lily nods. He doesn’t press further when she doesn’t speak for a long moment and he sits her on his lap farther away from his chest so she doesn’t feel the pounding of his heart. He breathes the way he instructed her to, but more discreetly, because Louis was right – she is aware of everything, it seems.

“It’ll make you sad,” she says, voice wary.

“It makes me feel better when you tell me what’s wrong, love. Even if I seem sad, I would be sadder if you didn’t tell me.”

Lily nods and he’s not sure how well she understands what he is saying. She’s only six, and yeah she’s smart but he’s going through this blind. Right now he really wishes Danielle were here, she would know what to do and she’d be able to do it easily.

“It keeps you safe,” she finally admits, staring up at him. Her eyes are watering again. “When Mama forgot her scarf, she got hurt.”

Liam bites hard on his tongue. He had been dreading this step, he doesn’t think he’d ever be ready for it though. It feels like a leap, like falling off a building, really.

“What do you mean?” he says weakly. He can’t help the break in his voice, and he hopes Lily doesn’t react to it.

“Mum,” Lily goes on, sounding frustrated with him. He’s frustrated with himself too, because he doesn’t understand. “She said she forgot her scarf and then that truck hit our car and Mummy didn’t come to the hospital with us and you said it was because she got hurt and had to go to Heaven.”

Liam clenches his eyes shut, but he can’t do anything to prevent the tears that are pressing incessantly at the seam of his eyes. He really does try to, and he hates that Lily cups his face to rub her fingers under his cheeks, the same sad look mirrored on her face. She’s the strong one, and it’s good she’s strong but he’s supposed to be the fucking strong one here -

“Papa, don’t be upset,” she whispers, pleading with him.

“I’m not,” he insists, firmly. _Get it together, Liam._ He breathes in, letting the oxygen expand his lungs before he talks again. “I’m glad you are telling me about it. Is that why you want Papa to have the scarves with him?”

Lily nods her head, worrying at her bottom lip.

“But I’m okay.” He takes her hand, pressing it against his chest. There’s no way she can’t feel his heart, because it’s beating rapidly against his chest. “See, I’m perfectly fine.”

Lily nods again, but her expression hasn’t changed any. “I just don’t want you to leave too, Papa.”

Liam pulls her to chest, clenching his eyes shut because he can’t handle the tremble in her lips when she had said that, the way she whispered it like it hurt too much to say. He can’t handle the fact that he hadn’t even realized that would be something she was fearful of, even though it makes sense because the thing that had been keeping him up the past year was something happening to her.

“You know Mummy didn’t leave,” he whispers, rocking her gently. “Remember what Gram told you? She’s an angel, and angels are with you always.”

Lily nods. “I know, Papa. But I can’t hug an angel like this.” She squeezes him tightly.

Liam doesn’t respond to that because he doesn’t know what to say. She’s right, completely fucking right and he hates that she feels that way. When Danielle had died, he got a lot of things from people telling him she would always be with him in spirit, looking down on him and things like that, and he had never understood how those words were supposed to be comforting because she was still gone, but they comforted enough people that he had hoped it would work for Lily, too.

They stay like that for a while, both of them clinging to the other until their breathing has calmed, and Lily’s no longer squeezing onto him like she’s afraid he’s going to disappear.  

Zayn comes to check on them a bit later, poking his head around the door frame, his own face red. “Sab,” Liam mouths and Zayn nods, not needing Liam to elaborate.

“Lil,” Liam says softly, pulling her away from his chest so he can look at her. “You know you can talk to me about any of this, okay? If you ever get sad about Mummy, or sad about anything really, you can tell me?”

Lily hesitates. “Okay, Papa.”

“And I am sorry that I forgot the scarf.”

She presses a kiss to his forehead. “It’s okay. Just try not to anymore, okay?”

Liam nods. That’s something they’ll have to work on. Maybe the new counselor will be able to help because he has no fucking clue. But until then, Liam will stitch a scarf into every pair of pants he owns if she needs him to.

Sab walks in hesitantly, wide eyes locked on Liam and Lily. Zayn’s hand presses on his shoulder to urge him forward.

“Go on beta,” Zayn whispers. “S’okay.”

Sab looks at Lily warily before he comes up to hug her from behind. “Are you okay, Lil?” He asks quietly.

Liam pats the bed beside him so he will climb onto it and Lily nods, not getting off of his lap. Her fists still clutch desperately to his work shirt.

“I was really sad that you were sad,” Sab tells her, looking down at where he’s pulling on his fingers in his lap. “So don’t be sad anymore, okay?”

“I’m not,” Lily insists, sliding off Liam’s lap to sit next to Sab. She wraps an arm around his shoulder and smiles, the corners of her lips pushing high into her reddened cheeks. “See?”

Liam presses a kiss to her forehead, fingers running through her hair. The tears are already starting to rim his eyelids. “Are you okay while I make you some lunch?”

Lily nods. “Promise.” She scrambles forward though, grabbing one of the black and white bandanas before passing it to him. He nods, making sure she sees when he slides it into his pocket.

He’s glad she is okay, because he’s not at the moment, and he needs to let the sob in his chest out where she can’t hear. Zayn follows up behind him, not letting too much distance come between them until they’re in the kitchen and Zayn’s pulling him to his chest like Liam had done to Lily. His sobs are muffled against Zayn’s shirt and he just holds him there, brushing fingers through his hair, humming softly and telling him it’s okay.

This time, Liam doesn’t quite feel like he’s falling apart, like everything is crashing around him. It feels more like he’s getting all of it out, the months that he’s had this pain sitting in his chest, forcing it out with each violent sob.

“S’okay,” Zayn hums, his lips moving against Liam’s hair.

When Liam looks up, Zayn’s eyes are rimmed red and he cups Zayn’s face to kiss him, hard. Teeth clashing against each other and he gasps against it. Zayn doesn’t back away, just spreads his fingers through the short hairs at the back of his head and lets Liam kiss him the way he needs to.

It tastes salty and Zayn’s cheeks are wet under his palms but it calms the sobs bracketing his chest. He keeps himself stitched against Zayn until their lips are moving almost delicately against each other, and Liam’s no longer crying, just sharing breaths with him.

Liam pulls away first, resting his forehead against the other man’s. “Sorry,” he mutters under his breath.

“Don’t,” Zayn warns, resting the palm of his hands firmly at the dip in Liam’s lower back, fingers coaxing out the tension in his muscles. “Don’t apologize, yeah?”

Liam nods, sliding his fingers down Zayn’s chest to fist his shirt, assuring that he stays right there. He just needs Zayn to keep him grounded again, and he doesn’t feel bad about admitting it to himself this time.

“Can you stay the night?” Liam asks quietly, closing his eyes so he doesn’t have to look at Zayn’s face.

“Yeah,” Zayn says easily.

Maybe Zayn’s not so much of a distraction, but an anchor, a support, a hand to help him take every step.

 

Lily’s smiling by the time they get lunch together, laughing and giggling with Sab. Liam wishes it were that easy for him, but he feels calm at least, and he’s glad it’s that easy for her. He needs it to be.

She’s happy when they set up the sleeping bags in the living room, turning on the cartoon Avengers series they had hidden in the closet for Sab and her. Zayn and Liam stay on the couch until they fall asleep, Lily’s feet tucked underneath Sab’s pillow.

“C’mon,” Liam says, voice hushed, tugging Zayn off the couch and to his room. Zayn comes easily, this time letting Liam maneuver him around.

It’s careful, gentle fingers and chapped lips dragging across skin as Liam stretches Zayn open. He’s quite beautiful, his bottom lip trapped between his teeth as Liam marks up his thighs. It’s funny to him, how Zayn thinks Liam tastes so good when Liam wants to savor the taste of Zayn’s skin on his tongue forever.

Zayn’s fingers are gentle in his hair when Liam pushes inside of him, letting out soft sighs and words of encouragement with every stroke. Liam’s careful not to put too much of his weight onto his smaller frame, but somehow Zayn still manages to take all the weight off of his shoulders.

“Zayn,” Liam says shakily before he comes, and it sounds as desperate as he always feels for him.

Zayn stays, arms curled around Liam’s torso, humming softly until Liam’s falling asleep with lips pressed to his neck and a sense of calm settling in the room.

 

The sun lays heavy on the back of his eyelids, a press of red and golds, and he groans. He feels like he’s sinking, limbs heavy. He feels rested, though.

There’s a body pressed against him, slender fingers brushing over the skin of arm absentmindedly.

He knows it’s Zayn before he opens his eyes, can smell the lingering scent of cigarette smoke and coffee. Zayn looks down on him, a gentle smile on his face before he brushes those fingers through Liam’s hair.

“If you stayed asleep any longer, I was considering screaming,” Zayn whispers. Despite the teasing tone, his eyes are wide, filled with worry.

“What time is it?” Liam yawns.

“Little past noon, but I know you are an early riser. Sab and Lily are playing outside with Lou, came over to check on you. Leaves are fun, apparently, they’re rolling in them.” He chuckles, low and vibrating deep in his chest and Liam wants him closer. He wraps an arm around his waist, pulling him down to cuddle.

It’s better this way, though Liam’s a bit disappointed Zayn had put clothes on. He can still feel his warmth through the layers, though.

“Sorry, I don’t sleep that well, usually.”

Zayn nods, not asking why and that seems to tug the words from Liam’s mouth. Zayn’s so patient with him, understanding in a way that doesn’t make sense to Liam. And fuck, he loves Zayn for it.

“Lily’s mum, Danielle, was killed in a car accident last year,” he explains softly. Zayn doesn’t react, not really. His eyes widen slightly and he slides an arm around Liam, but it’s nothing compared to the gasps and the litanies of apologies he normally gets when he tells people about it. That’s why he stopped, actually. “Watched it happen, on the road we lived on. Pulling out of the driveway, there was some ice. I’m not really sure what happened. Is kind of blur, y’know?”

Zayn nods again. He traces circles across Liam’s back. It keeps the tension from building in his muscles. Once again, it’s easy with him.

“Lily was in the car. Small, you know, so she had a car seat still but there was a lot of smoke –“

Zayn closes his eyes and for a moment Liam panics, wondering if he should stop. They’re wet when he finally opens them, and Liam finds himself being the one that’s rubbing circles into Zayn’s skin to comfort him.

“Sorry,” Zayn whispers, voice cracking slightly. “Keep going, I just – Liam that’s the scariest thing I could imagine. I _can’t_ even imagine it, actually.”

“Scariest moment of my life,” Liam whispers back. “Newspapers the weeks after that were all about how an emotional wreck father tried to save daughter from a burning car.” He smiles softly at himself. He hadn’t wanted to leave the house after the accident just to avoid those stupid news clippings. It made the whole situation seem so insignificant when written on paper – it doesn’t flip over the worlds of whoever is reading, but it had flipped his.

“Sounds familiar, yeah,” Zayn says distantly.

“Lily’s made me take these scarves everywhere with me. I thought they were just a comfort thing, because they smelled like her mum, but even when they started to smell like me she made me take ‘em,” Liam goes on. “But I found out last night they have something to do with the accident.”

“Was wondering why you always had those,” Zayn says with a grin, dragging his fingers up Liam’s spine and sliding his palm along the back of his head.

Liam nods, pulling Zayn closer. “She’s stronger than me,” he whispers fragilely. He rests his head on Zayn’s chest, not wanting to look at him when he gets the rest out. “I don’t handle things well. I’m never sure if what I’m doing is the best thing to do or not.”

“None of us do, Li,” Zayn says softly, lips moving across the top of his head. “And I think you’re wrong about her getting that from her mum. You’re one of the strongest people I know.”

“You don’t have to say that just to make me feel better,” Liam mumbles sheepishly. He hates when people do that, really.

Zayn moves his hands to Liam’s face, tugging his head upwards so he has to look at them. There’s a stern look on his face, but his eyes are soft. “D’you know how scary it is to ask for help even when you know you need it? It doesn’t make you weak or whatever it is you think, Li. You said it yourself, Lily is the most important thing and you’ve done everything to prove that. When she’s older, she’s going to look back and know she had her Papa there.”

Liam closes his eyes and there’s soft lips brushing against his.

“I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t think it, Li,” Zayn mutters against his lips. “It’s okay to need help. Besides, I’m offering my help whether or not you accept it.”

Liam smiles weakly. “Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me. Just let me.”

Liam nods, pressing their lips together again. “I love you,” he starts, a weak smile on his face. “Almost as much as I love your son.”

A smile breaks against Zayn’s face, tongue sliding against his teeth. “I love you too, Liam. I’m happy you asked me to finally stay the night.”

Liam chews on his lip. “Can you, more often?”

Zayn presses his shoulder until he’s lying back, and he brackets his thighs around Liam’s hips. “I dunno, I might get attached.”

“I hope so,” he breathes, tilting his chin to capture Zayn’s lips against his own. Because he already is.

 

Lily sits between Zayn’s legs, fidgeting as Zayn’s fingers work through those curls, forming a braid on each side. She’s got an impatient press to her lips, wincing every now and then which causes Zayn to apologize.

“Wow,” Sab says, resting his elbows on his knees where he sits on the floor. “Lily you look so pretty.”

Lily grins, reaching for the mirror beside them. She looks into it, eyes widening. She turns around, kissing Zayn’s cheek. “Thank you so much, I love you Mr. Zayn.”

Zayn’s mouth falls open and Liam smiles warmly at the way his eyes tear because they match his own. Zayn clutches her cheeks, pressing a messy kiss to her forehead. “I love you too Miss Lily.”

“I love you more,” she sighs as if this is a known fact, sliding off of Zayn’s lap so she can finish getting ready for her dance practice.

“No, I love you more,” Liam murmurs, leaning over to press his lips to Zayn’s.

“Oh my god,” Sab gasps, crawling onto their laps and pushing them apart. He’s giggling again, pressing kisses to both of their cheeks until they’re all laughing and Lily’s running to join them, changed out of her pajamas.

Liam wants to take this feeling of happiness, and warmth and love and bottle it up so he can keep it for the rest of his life. He slides his fingers with Zayn’s, knowing at least if he has these three around him then he _will_ be able to keep this feeling forever.

 

Ten Years Later

Liam sighs with a chuckle, hanging up the phone. He shouldn’t feel so fond, he should probably be aggravated or disappointed that Sab got into trouble, but he can’t help it. He’ll be stern later. (He really _won’t_ , if he’s being honest, and that’s probably why Sab had given the principal his number instead of Zayn’s.)

“Do you know what the principal just called and told me about our son?” he says when he finds Zayn in bathroom, pulling on a dark colored button up. Liam eyes the bruises along his shoulder from that morning, after the kids had left for school. He was never able to learn how to control himself when it came to his husband.

“I don’t think I want to,” Zayn says, frowning at him through the mirror.

Liam blankets his back with his chest, pressing a soft kiss to his shoulder. “Sab got into a little altercation today. Told some boy he was going to stick his foot in places feet don’t belong.”

“What?” Zayn gasps, turning in Liam’s arms. He pinches Liam’s side. “And why are you smiling? That’s not funny.”

“It was that Jake kid,” Liam tells him, still smiling. Sab’s not violent at all, so he’s not really worried about it. Sab’s gentle, soft lines and boyish giggles even though he insists he’s a _man_ now. But he’s always a little harder around the edges when it concerns his sister.

Though, not as tough as her. Liam can’t count the amount of times him or Zayn had to pick her up from school for getting in trouble because some bully was messing with her brother.

Zayn snorts, relaxing. “The one that fancies Lils?”

Liam nods, chuckling lowly. “Yeah, that punk.”

Zayn slides the palm of Liam’s chest, clucking his teeth disapprovingly. “If the two of you keep it up, she’s going to run away and get hitched with some guy with too many tattoos and a liking for cigarettes and hard liquor.”

Liam brushes a thumb across his cheek. “I heard not all of them are too bad,” he teases, kissing the corner of Zayn’s mouth. “And don’t act like you’re not worse than us. Do you remember Duane? The one you nearly had in tears?”

Zayn hides his face against Liam’s chest, laughing. “Poor kid ran out of here and Lily didn’t talk to me for a week.”

“She loves you,” Liam assures, planting a kiss to his forehead before stepping away. “We’ll have to talk to him about that later. After the recital, though. You know Lily gets grumpy when Sab’s upset.”

Zayn sighs, nodding.

He’s excited for tonight, to see Lily dance on stage by herself for the first time. It’s a huge deal, being selected out of her group for the performance. She had been a nervous wreck all week, spending extra hours at the studio even though Liam insisted she get some rest.

And he’s also excited because Danielle’s parents had sent him what he asked for and he couldn’t wait to see her face when she opened it. He was going to give it to her before they left. When he had seen the outfit she had for tonight a few months ago, it reminded him of the first time he had watched Danielle dance.

Sab looks hesitant when he comes through the door a few minutes later, throwing his backpack on the couch, eyeing the two of them warily when they come into the room.

“How was school?” Zayn asks, giving him a knowing smile.

“Uh, okay, I guess.” He glances at Liam. “I’m going to go get dressed.”

“Where’s Lily?” Liam asks before he goes. They always drive to and from school together. It was one of the conditions under Sab getting a car for his sixteenth birthday. It wasn’t a difficult one to persuade him to agree to. It was Sab who told Liam and Zayn to let it go when they kept asking Lily if she was going to work on getting her license.

“Boyfriend,” he says casually, pointing a thumb to the door.

“What?” both Zayn and Liam say in unison.

Zayn’s at the door first, Liam chasing after him and telling him not to open it with a laugh but it’s too late. He yanks the door open, shoulders set back straight. Lily gasps, pulling away from where she was standing too close to a boy Liam doesn’t know. He’s quite large, tall and broad, and Liam laughs at the idea of Sab, who has Zayn’s skinny frame, threatening this one.

“Beti,” Zayn greets. He looks at her expectantly.

Lily groans, rolling her eyes. She takes a step back, already used to this. “Jake, my dads,” she introduces, through the same tight lips Zayn is wearing.

“Zayn,” Zayn says, holding out a hand. His eyes are narrowed, and maybe it’s not so funny. Despite the small frame, Zayn does look quite threatening with narrowed eyes and clenched jaw.

Jake smiles nervously, shaking his hand. Liam doesn’t miss the way Zayn winces but it’s small enough that the boy doesn’t notice. “Nice to meet you, Mr. Malik.” He nods to Liam, who doesn’t come between Zayn and him. “Mr. Malik.”

“Okay,” Lily drags out impatiently, pushing Zayn’s hand from where it’s still gripping Jake’s. She presses a kiss to Jake’s cheek. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Um…yeah,” he says warily, nodding towards them again before practically running back to his car.

“Nice boy,” Liam says when Zayn closes the door.

“Crazy fathers,” Lily says, but she’s smiling. She kisses Zayn on the cheek. “Relax, Baba, yeah? You didn’t act like that when Sab had that girl over.”

She points a finger at Liam when he parts his lips to speak. “And don’t say it’s because she’s a girl, because you didn’t do that with Tommy, either.”

Liam nods, putting his hands up. “You’re right.” He cups her face, pressing his lips to her forehead. She gives him a soft, knowing look like she understands though, before she’s pulling away with a “I need to get ready.”

“Wait, come here,” Liam calls, jogging to where the package sits on the dining room table. His hands shake, and Zayn’s got a hand on his lower back, grounding him like he knows his heart is racing in his chest. “This came for you today. I thought maybe you’d like to wear it tonight.”

Lily eyes him suspiciously when taking it. She breathes in sharply when she sees the black material inside, looking at him like she can’t believe it before pulling it out. He knows she recognizes it, Liam’s showed her the pictures and videos plenty of times before.

“This is from Grandma?” She says quietly, fingers rubbing over the cotton. Danielle’s parents had come around eventually, but they weren’t close to Lily. It made him upset still, sometimes. “She still had it?”

Liam nods. “Is that okay?”

She lunges, wrapping her hands around him. “Perfect, Papa. It’ll be like she’s up there with me.”

Liam bites on the inside of his cheek, nodding. That’s what he wanted. It’s not quite the same, and it took him awhile to realize how truly comforting “she’s always with you, even if not physically” is.

“I’m nervous,” she admits quietly, pulling away from him.

“You shouldn’t be,” Zayn says automatically. “Everyone will be talking about Lily Malik for years to come. How she performed actual magic with just a pair of dancing shoes.”

“Lily Karen Louise Malik,” she corrects with a laugh.

He watches her run off, blurred by the tears starting to well in his eyes. Zayn’s lips scrape across his neck, an arm tightening around his waist. “C’mon jaan,” he says softly, planting a kiss to Liam’s shoulder. “You still need to get ready.”

Liam turns, cupping Zayn’s face before kissing his forehead.  He keeps them pressed there for a beat, swallowing down the pressure in his throat.

“Stop being gross,” Sab says conversationally, coming up next to them with a loose tie around his throat. He indicates it, a lopsided smile on his face. He looks so much like the photos Tricia used to show him of Zayn when he was younger, hair pushed up into a loose quiff, a scratch of hair starting to grow along his jaw. His cheeks are still round, but they’re becoming more defined.

“Yeah,” Zayn starts, lips quirking up as he pats Liam on the ass. “Help your boy with his tie, Daddy.”

Liam snorts as Sab groans like he’s in pain, stepping away from them. “I’ll ask Lily.”

 

The venue is packed. There are at least three thousand people here give or take, and Liam had been overwhelmed when he had watched them file in before the show started. There’s cameras flashing, hushed whispers around him but Liam’s focus remains on stage.

“You’re crying,” Zayn whispers, a thumb soothing along Liam’s back but he can’t look away from the stage for him either. She’s beautiful, graceful with every step she takes across the stage, chin tilted up with a confidence he’s always been proud of her for having.

He can hear it in Zayn’s voice that he is too, and Sab snorts at them from his other side. But Liam knows he hasn’t been able to look away either, elbows propped on his knees as he leans forward. She’s captivating, grabbing everyone’s attention just like her mum.

Liam runs his fingers over the warn scarf around his neck. It’s old, a bit frayed at the end and there’s a hole at the bottom from Liam’s constant tugging at it, but it’s comforting. It stopped smelling like Danielle a long time ago, now smelling like that expensive perfume Louis bought for Lily and the faint smell of cigarettes.

They stand as she bows, clapping furiously and they’re close enough that Liam can see the way her eyes water, the light from the stage glinting off of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think? :) [tumblr](http://zaynspank.tumblr.com/)

**Author's Note:**

> xx tell me what you think? this is going to be between 3-4 chapters I believe. [tumblr](http://zipplekink.tumblr.com) and [twitter](http://twitter.com/zippIekink) if you need it!


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